I hope you've been having an amazing few weeks!
I lost my writing mojo for a while there and I'm not entirely sure if it's back, but I guess we'll see. So here goes...
The last few weeks have been intense, crazy, difficult, testing...ups and downs, big highs and big lows...but having been through all of it, I feel like I've really changed as a person, in many different ways.
So I'll start with the first thing that comes to mind - Assertiveness.
You know, I always thought being 'assertive' was a negative thing. But really, it's not - it's about staking claim to what is rightfully yours.
I was raised in a spiritual, soft-spoken family, and our way of dealing with conflict was to avoid it. If there was something we wanted that would inconvenience another person, we learnt to do without. Not that there's anything wrong with that - it's beautiful in its own way.
Over the last few years however, I've had this internal struggle raging within me - between the way I was raised and who I am becoming now. It's an 'identity clash' in a sense. As I learn more about the world, I find that I am creating my own path for myself and re-defining my personality - and this is sometimes at odds with 'Old Me'.
Anyway I digress. The point is, I had a preconditioned concept of assertiveness in my mind, as being equivalent to 'aggressive', 'pushy' and 'inconsiderate'.
What this meant for me, was that if there was something I wanted and I knew was rightfully mine, I would still struggle to ask for it. If for instance, someone gave me the wrong amount of change for a coffee, I would rationalise this within my mind as "Oh that's okay, it's only 2 dollars, let it be". And I would walk away.
Or, if someone had committed to providing a service to me that I had paid for, I would hesitate to follow up if they were late. And if the service wasn't up to the mark, I would lie anyway and tell them it was absolutely fantastic.
This mentality seeped through to all facets of my life - including relationships and work. I would struggle to point out when I believed my supervisor was being unfair. I would simply 'put up' with remarks that offended me or hurt me, never telling the other person how it made me feel - even if it was a close friend.
Underlying all of this, I guess was a fear of being disliked by others. A fear, that if I shared how I really felt, if I really stood up for myself, people wouldn't like it and they would step away. Again, there wasn't enough 'self-love' within me, so I was searching for the constant approval of those external to me. What resulted, was a 'facade' which morphed to suit the expectations of the people I was around, leaving the real, and very awesome, Me, hidden.
Well over the last few weeks, the lightbulb finally went off and I realised something - there is absolutely nothing wrong with being assertive. There is nothing wrong with asking for what is rightfully yours. For sharing how you feel. For being honest and straightforward with others.
In other words, there is nothing wrong with looking out for your best interests.
Because all those years of putting myself second had simply worn me out. And it held me back from being the 'Ideal Me'.
If you don't take care of your own interests, then who will? If you're not happy, then how can you possibly bring happiness to anyone else?
Of course there is a fine line between assertiveness and just plain aggressive. But the distinction is this - when you are assertive, you truly know you are doing something for your best interests, out of LOVE for yourself. Not selfish love. But Love love. The kind that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.
When you cross that line and become aggressive and imposing, you know that your insecurities are playing up and your Ego has gotten involved.
It's a balancing act - but I'm learning to sit within the 'Assertive' zone more comfortably now. Things have changed, and I now speak my mind. I give feedback honestly. I go and ask for what I want.
And the funny thing is, my relationships have actually improved. I was so worried that if I put myself first, I would alienate people. But the fact is, I feel closer to the people in my closest circle now. And more than anything else, I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I don't just 'put up with things'. I'm proud that I have my own back now.
Because that's what it means to be Assertive.
Of course, I'm still ironing out the creases on this one. But I can honestly say - the feeling of going and claiming what you want, out of a genuine love for yourself, is one of the most empowering feelings in the world.
What do you think? What's your experience with assertiveness? How has it changed your life and your relationship with people?
As always, I would love to hear your thoughts.
Til' next time!(Damn it feels good to write again)
Peace & Love,
A.
