Finding meaning at the water-cooler

Hey guys!

Keeping this one short and sweet.

I've been experimenting the last couple of weeks, with the concept of 'small talk'.

I always used to snicker to myself when someone invited me to networking events - what's the point? I used to ask. You get 30 seconds with each person, in which you exchange pleasantries and put on an air, and then move on.

And likewise in other situations - why do I have to go downstairs and chat with this Aunty? Should I say something to the barista while she's making my coffee? But what's the point?

Well, I figured something out last year - and that was that, talking is one of the most tangible and powerful ways of connecting with other human beings.

And I was shying away from it. I only valued those 'deep-and-meaningfuls' with the people closest to me, and I treated those fleeting moments of conversation with strangers or acquaintances as a waste of time.

www.cartoonstock.com

But slowly, I've realised that small talk, the type that comes from your heart and is direct and genuine, can really lay the foundation of building longer term friendships and relationships. If not that, at the very least it can make someone's day.

I remember walking down the street one day being really upset about something, when someone came up to me and said: "Excuse me! Do you have a spare smile that I could borrow?".

It MADE my day. And I still remember those precious few words from a stranger, that were uttered so many years ago.

Moments like that, just re-affirm that which we forget so easily sometimes - that we really are all connected, all the same, all wanting the same things, all seeking smiles and love. Moments like that, make the world a better place.

And so I've resolved to stop being so silent, so averse to small-talk, so afraid of what the other person might think or how he/she may react. You know it's crazy, we're so unaccustomed to feeling kindness or hearing caring words from a stranger, that we don't even know how to react sometimes, and that gap between us and 'everyone else' just widens.

I've been trying this out the last few months - I'll smile at someone on the street, and there is a moment of absolute surprise, followed (generally) by a warm smile back. The other day, I devoured the most delicious Turkish gozleme, and I told myself that its maker deserved to know how delicious it was. I was scared as I was walking back to the shop, because she was an older, tired-looking, no-nonsense woman. But I went up and told her anyway - "That was the most amazing gozleme I have ever had!" I squeaked. She looked at me, suprised, and then smiled shyly, as I scurried off. But I felt awesome, and I think she did too.

What I didn't realise before, is that small-talk doesn't necessarily have to be mundane - it can be sweet, and caring and even impactful. And it actually makes your day, more so than it does anybody else's. Because it reinforces the thread that runs through all of us, and that feeling is pretty special.

Since I've changed my view about little facet of life, I've found that the conversations I have, even with acquaintances, are more meaningful, and almost always cut straight through to things like: "what are we going to do with our lives?".

So I'm enjoying this! And I really want to be better at it. I want to be able to strike up a conversation in any situation, with anyone.

Because now I am convinced that any two people can have a common ground, and I'm determined to prove it.

So guys, how about this - what if we each committed to reaching out to one 'stranger' every day? Whether it be paying a receptionist a compliment while you wait to be interviewed; or getting to know your baristas; or saying 'Hi' and giving someone a big smile in the tea-room, even though you have no idea who they are.

Who knows where it could lead us.

www.fvquotes.com

And if you're keen to read more on this, check out Dale Carnegie's classic, 'How to Win Friends and Influence People', which has been an enduring source of inspiration for me.

As always, let me know what you think :)

Til' next time!

Peace & Love,
A.

One-woman island

Hi guys!

I realised something quite amazing this week.

You know that quote, 'every man (or woman) is an island?'.

I used to think of myself like that. I used to think I was just a solitary person, floating in the middle of the sea, occasionally coming into contact with other beings, learning to interact, and then floating right back out alone.

Hence those moments where I would completely withdraw into myself, or moments where I would struggle to communicate honestly with another person. Or those moments I would feel like packing my bags and flying away to a distant country where I could be alone. Finally.

I used to think that's what Life was. There's ME and there's the WORLD, and they're both separate entities that occasionally butt heads, and I just have to put up with these clashes before I can get back to myself.

My Old World View.

Dem Paint Skills.

But I realised this week, that I have been kidding myself.

I used to take so much pride in being 'independent' and 'self-sufficient' - but all this time, I had defined these terms to be: the ability and the preference to be alone.

And that meant being a 'closed book'. That meant having a 'Me' versus 'everyone else' mentality - an internal world of Me, and an external world of everyone else. That meant being careful not to share my weaknesses or my fears with the world, and dealing with things on my own.

I had tricked myself into thinking that this was strength.

But I realised this week, that real inner strength, is retaining one's independence and self-sufficiency while being a part of  the world.

Because all this time, I used to sweep my insecurities and fears under the carpet and present a polished version of me to the world, while telling myself that I could deal with the issues I had hidden away on my own, later. This created a double-identity  - a 'Me' that I was when I was alone, the 'Real Me'; and the 'Me' that came across to others.

As I've been writing this blog, I've noticed that I feel stronger now sharing my real thoughts with honesty and letting the world see what goes on 'behind the veneer', than I ever was before when I was pretending that everything was 100% okay all the time.

And the moment I started sharing, it created a new dimension of interaction with people, that I had never experienced before. Suddenly, I saw an underlying connection running through all of us. Every frustration, change, or transformation I experienced and shared, led to rich and special conversations with people who had always been a part of my life. Yet I had never thought to talk at this level with them before. And it struck me that - wow we all really are in this together.

So suddenly, I am okay with being an imperfect person, doing special things. Being a human, with superhuman dreams. Being an ordinary girl, with extraordinary passion. I'm okay with you reading this, because slowly I'm learning, that true inner strength, is not hiding away in a fortress all alone and being there for yourself - it's standing outside amidst a wild raging storm, and having your own back, no matter what. Inner strength is not about locking yourself away and building 2 worlds - one for you and one for everyone else. It's about being a part of the world, the Universe, this big crazy theatre production that is our shared experience of Life, and still being 100% YOU, no matter what.

Several things triggered this realisation this week - I went to watch 'Life of Pi' with a dear friend of mine (such a beautiful movie!). And then I had this amazing conversation with someone close to my heart, and I realised I was giving people 'perfect little tidbits' of me, afraid to share the full story. That got me thinking.

http://www.mamamia.com

Having said all of this, I will still 'work the Trust Flow' (http://j2self.blogspot.com.au/2012/12/the-art-of-trust.html). I will still decide who I can trust with what information. But I will also start being more real, especially around the people I know I can trust. And I will start being more honest about the things that worry me or scare me. Because there is power in admitting to one's fears and flaws, and not allowing that to define one's identity or actions.  

What this all means also, is that I will be less fearful now of what people think of me. I am free to be this crazy, wacky, hippie person that I am at home, around everyone. And if you like it, great. If not, I'm cool with that, I won't take it personally - we're still in this together.

This is quite a liberating realisation, and I'm looking forward to seeing how it changes the way I act and behave going forward.

I think this blog has done more for me already than I could have ever imagined. So I'm going to make sure I do my best to continue to share my thoughts and the special things I learn, with You every week.

And please feel free to do the same and leave your comments, I am really grateful for you reading this. :)

Til' next time!

Peace & Love,
A.

A SPIRITUAL PIT-STOP

Hey guys!

I hope you've had the most amazing day :-)

A comment made on my post last week, really made me think this week. It was well-considered, thought-provoking and drew my attention to something really important: that I need to learn to stop, breathe and appreciate.

http://reinis.drupalgardens.com

For those who know me, you know I like to push myself like anything. I become so singularly focused on something that I ignore everything else. And when I accomplish something, I revel in it, but I sometimes keep the achievement at an arm's length, to stop myself from becoming complacent.

On the self-development front, I've realised I am no different. When I see myself, I always see a 'Work in Progress', someone who needs to constantly improve and 'fix her faults' to become stronger and better. With this blog, I have discovered a newfound enthusiasm for self-development, and it has become a big 'goal' in my life now. But what this also means, is that I am starting to treat it as I treat all of my other goals - with a RAGE to make progress.

This undying determination to make progress and to make change, is something I treasure about myself. At the same time, I am realising that I need to learn to PAUSE and APPRECIATE, every so often.

For instance, this entire past week - I pushed myself to do this and do that, but strangely enough, despite all that I did, I:

1) did not feel as fulfilled as I thought I would
2) wanted to do even more

And all of this is because I never at one point, stopped to fully acknowledge to myself that I had achieved something. I never took a moment to myself to completely let go, and appreciate what I had done.

You know what this is like? As cliche as it sounds, it is like a high-powered Lamborghini (they are so gorgeous), ZOOMING away on a freeway for hours on end, without a pit-stop. Not good after a while.

So why am I so unwilling to give myself this 'spiritual pit-stop'?

1) I am afraid that if I acknowledge my achievements, I will become complacent, and I will stop.
2) I am afraid that if I do stop for moment, it is a waste of precious time.

This mentality, I've now realised, is resulting in a vicious circle, a MIND-TRAP as I like to call it:

 

 

The world's ugliest circle.

This has uncovered one of my deepest insecurities - the fear of not doing enough with my Life.

BAM. There we go. Now all those complaints I make about feeling exhausted, about there not being enough time for anything, about feeling frustrated and worn down - it all makes sense.

So here's how I am going to fix it.

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to take care of myself. Not just physically, or self-developmentally. I mean emotionally.

I am a big believer in positive reinforcement. I don't believe you can inspire people or change things if you stay focused on the negative, or on what ISN'T happening. You stay focused on what IS possible, and slowly the concept of impossible or 'NOT THERE YET' just seeps away.

So why aren't I applying this principle to myself? I am committing the biggest sin possible in leadership: I am not acknowledging achievements, I am staying narrowly focused on what hasn't been accomplished, and I'm continuing to push myself relentlessly. Working without feeling as though the work is being valued, is like running on empty. And this has to end here and now.

There we go Me, I hope you're taking notice.

So starting tomorrow, here's what I am going to do:

1. I am going to write out a list of my current commitments and see how much more I can commit to, before I hit that point of 'OVERLOAD'.
2. I am going to scale back and evaluate opportunities, committing only if they are in line with my goals.
3. I am going to space things out across the week, so that I have time to breathe.
4. Every time I complete a task, I will literally step away, take a couple of hours to relax and clearly acknowledge to myself, that I did I great job, and I should be proud. And yes I may give myself a hug. :-)
5. On weekends, I will treat myself - yes that's okay. It's not a waste of time, it's actually a time saver. A few hours to re-charge will result in a more efficient and effective 'machine'.
6. Every morning, I want to incorporate just a few minutes where I sit down and acknowledge everything I have - kind of like a 'Gratefulness Routine'. If I feel like I am already abundant, I will be less likely to take action from a mindset of 'lack', and therefore be less likely to overload my plate to address insecurity.







Phew.

Big realisation.

But a good one! A lot of us rush from one thing to the next, and feel like a spent force at the end of the day. Maybe this little tweak in our mindset and in our day, could make a great difference? It could build our patience, release our stress and anxiety, and energise us to accomplish even more.

Thank You to the reader who made that comment last week - you are awesome.

And guys again, let me know your thoughts. They clearly have a great impact on me and I love the conversations they lead to. :) And the next time you get something done, give yourself that metaphorical, or literal, pat on the back. Because you totally deserve it.

Til' next time!

Peace & Love,
A.