One-woman island

Hi guys!

I realised something quite amazing this week.

You know that quote, 'every man (or woman) is an island?'.

I used to think of myself like that. I used to think I was just a solitary person, floating in the middle of the sea, occasionally coming into contact with other beings, learning to interact, and then floating right back out alone.

Hence those moments where I would completely withdraw into myself, or moments where I would struggle to communicate honestly with another person. Or those moments I would feel like packing my bags and flying away to a distant country where I could be alone. Finally.

I used to think that's what Life was. There's ME and there's the WORLD, and they're both separate entities that occasionally butt heads, and I just have to put up with these clashes before I can get back to myself.

My Old World View.

Dem Paint Skills.

But I realised this week, that I have been kidding myself.

I used to take so much pride in being 'independent' and 'self-sufficient' - but all this time, I had defined these terms to be: the ability and the preference to be alone.

And that meant being a 'closed book'. That meant having a 'Me' versus 'everyone else' mentality - an internal world of Me, and an external world of everyone else. That meant being careful not to share my weaknesses or my fears with the world, and dealing with things on my own.

I had tricked myself into thinking that this was strength.

But I realised this week, that real inner strength, is retaining one's independence and self-sufficiency while being a part of  the world.

Because all this time, I used to sweep my insecurities and fears under the carpet and present a polished version of me to the world, while telling myself that I could deal with the issues I had hidden away on my own, later. This created a double-identity  - a 'Me' that I was when I was alone, the 'Real Me'; and the 'Me' that came across to others.

As I've been writing this blog, I've noticed that I feel stronger now sharing my real thoughts with honesty and letting the world see what goes on 'behind the veneer', than I ever was before when I was pretending that everything was 100% okay all the time.

And the moment I started sharing, it created a new dimension of interaction with people, that I had never experienced before. Suddenly, I saw an underlying connection running through all of us. Every frustration, change, or transformation I experienced and shared, led to rich and special conversations with people who had always been a part of my life. Yet I had never thought to talk at this level with them before. And it struck me that - wow we all really are in this together.

So suddenly, I am okay with being an imperfect person, doing special things. Being a human, with superhuman dreams. Being an ordinary girl, with extraordinary passion. I'm okay with you reading this, because slowly I'm learning, that true inner strength, is not hiding away in a fortress all alone and being there for yourself - it's standing outside amidst a wild raging storm, and having your own back, no matter what. Inner strength is not about locking yourself away and building 2 worlds - one for you and one for everyone else. It's about being a part of the world, the Universe, this big crazy theatre production that is our shared experience of Life, and still being 100% YOU, no matter what.

Several things triggered this realisation this week - I went to watch 'Life of Pi' with a dear friend of mine (such a beautiful movie!). And then I had this amazing conversation with someone close to my heart, and I realised I was giving people 'perfect little tidbits' of me, afraid to share the full story. That got me thinking.

http://www.mamamia.com

Having said all of this, I will still 'work the Trust Flow' (http://j2self.blogspot.com.au/2012/12/the-art-of-trust.html). I will still decide who I can trust with what information. But I will also start being more real, especially around the people I know I can trust. And I will start being more honest about the things that worry me or scare me. Because there is power in admitting to one's fears and flaws, and not allowing that to define one's identity or actions.  

What this all means also, is that I will be less fearful now of what people think of me. I am free to be this crazy, wacky, hippie person that I am at home, around everyone. And if you like it, great. If not, I'm cool with that, I won't take it personally - we're still in this together.

This is quite a liberating realisation, and I'm looking forward to seeing how it changes the way I act and behave going forward.

I think this blog has done more for me already than I could have ever imagined. So I'm going to make sure I do my best to continue to share my thoughts and the special things I learn, with You every week.

And please feel free to do the same and leave your comments, I am really grateful for you reading this. :)

Til' next time!

Peace & Love,
A.