Saturday 29 December 2012

A new twist....on old resolutions

Hey guys!

So it's approaching that time - when 2012 comes to a close and the whole world awaits the next year with anticipation and fresh new hopes and dreams.

This has got me thinking about New Year's resolutions. Like the traditional ones - "this year I want to lose weight", or "I want to get that promotion", or "I want to find the boy of my dreams!". Ever made resolutions like that?

I used to. I used to have these perfect little resolutions prepared before the beginning of each new year, and I would tell myself -

"Yup, this is the year! BRING IT ON!"

 

But even as I was writing them, I knew I wouldn't adhere to them - and I think I've figured out why.

I'm now a firm believer in the fact that it is only when you are ready for a change, will you take the action necessary to enable that change to take place. In other words, there needs to be a shift in your mindset, a subconscious internal movement towards "Yes, I am now ready to commit to this and this is right for me now", before action can take place - before habits form, before hard work begins and before a change manifests.

Sitting down on New Year's Eve and writing out a list of things I want is fine - but I don't like the idea of saying "this is what I want to happen this year", because I think that's setting myself up for disappointment. It will happen when I'm mentally ready, when it is the right time for that change to take place in my life, and when I truly am prepared to commit to manifesting the change.

And the truth is, you and I know whether we are (mentally) ready for what we are asking for, or not.


So an example - the 'get fit' thing. That's been a 'New Year's resolution' for me for the last...decade pretty much. But it wasn't until around mid this-year, when my mindset actually shifted and I was like: "Wow, I am a blob. I need my body to last a lifetime, and this needs to change". For me, that was my 'New Year's Eve', in terms of a shift in my mindset, and in terms of cementing in me a goal I was actually ready to commit to 100%.

So on the eve of the 31st of December 2012, I'm going to write a list of changes that I feel I need in my character/personality at this stage of my life. It's going to sound airy-fairy, but I'm going to go with my gut instinct on this one. Like a couple of years ago, I reflected on what part of me was screwing me up the most, and it was my fear of...almost everything. So 'Fearlessness' became my resolution because that's what I needed at that point, and lo and behold, it happened! http://j2self.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/is-boogieman-ruling-your-life.html

I'm excited, because these sorts of resolutions are more under my control and I have confidence that I will achieve them, or at the very least, make progress.

So why make resolutions on NYE, and not just whenever I feel that 'mindset shift'? I think the reason is because on NYE it's as if everyone has this opportunity to start all over again - at that moment we're all in the same boat, and we all want to throw away last year's crap and resolve to being better going forward. It's the perfect time to take a moment to reflect on myself completely (like a year-end audit!) and scribble down what I think I need to change, for a fresh start and a better me. It's the symbolism of this ritual that attracts me.

What do you guys think?

Regardless of what significance it holds to you, Happy New Year! Here's to a more peaceful and awesome world as we become more peaceful and awesome ourselves <3



Til' next time!

Peace & Love,
A.
Posted by at 4 comments:

Sunday 23 December 2012

Guilty...until proven Innocent.

Hi guys!

Hope you've been having a special day :)

If you could pinpoint ONE emotion that holds you back or keeps you down the most, what would it be?

I'm tossing up between Guilt and Anger. Being able to summarise it down to 2 emotions is a big achievement in itself for me, so seeing this on paper/on-screen makes me quite happy.

Anger - that's something I need to figure out how to manage.

But Guilt? Now that's something I can get my claws into now.

GUILT. Even the word sounds...unnerving and harsh. Kinda like 'guillotine'. That's my mind for you.



Anyway, I want to question what the purpose of this emotion is.

At the very basic level, I would say guilt helps us to identify situations in which we have acted against our conscience.

Alright, fantastic - that's a good thing. Using guilt as a barometer, we can gauge whether an action we have taken is in line with what we expect of ourselves.

But what happens when we start carrying this guilt around, saving it up and letting it build in our hearts?

I became aware of the concept of 'excess guilt' within me maybe towards the end of last year, or early this year.

Excess or extraneous guilt, meaning:

"She looks upset. Was it something I said? It must be! I always say stupid things and now I've upset her. I feel terrible. I'm a terrible <insert role here: daughter/friend/etc.>"

or even,

"Damn. In the process of chasing my dreams, am I hurting everyone else around me? I feel selfish and awful. I'm a terrible <insert role here: daughter/friend/etc.>"

I guess in a way it's sweet that I account for my impact on others, in the process of going for my goals or just living my life. But at some stage, I must have started piling up the 'guilt feeling' at the back of my head, and that is not good.

Because every time something goes wrong, I notice that my mind races to try and convict me as the culprit. Weird right?

Where does this come from? I think it links to a lot of the different concepts I've written about before - fear, external approval, etc.

If I had to pinpoint one reason, it would be this - maybe I still want to please people and I still want to make others happy, which is fundamentally fine, but sometimes it is at the expense of my interests. In the past year, I've worked on eliminating my fear of others' disapproval. So perhaps now that I am increasingly standing up for my interests, guilt forms to signal that I am doing something 'unusual' or 'not in line' with my old nature?

Ah! How interesting - so what is guilt then? Is it a positive emotion that signals a deviation from our conscience? Or, is it a negative emotion that is resistant to personal change?

More importantly though, does it matter what it is? Not really.

What I can say is this - it is NOT good to carry around guilt inside of you. It's a heavy emotion that can weigh down on your personality and it can lead to a lot of other negativity entering your headspace.




So here is my take or my PROCESS:

1. Guilt signals when I am acting in a way that I usually don't.

 

2. The moment I feel it, I stop everything and I evaluate the feeling. Is it RATIONAL or IRRATIONAL guilt? (similar to rational or irrational fear- http://j2self.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/is-boogieman-ruling-your-life.html).

Is it warranted, or is it unnecessary?

Through this step itself, when I first started perhaps a year or so ago, I noticed that approximately 70% of the time, the guilt I experienced was UNWARRANTED. That's right - it was stupid. That friend who didn't reply to my message? She wasn't upset at me, she was dealing with her own crap that day. That project not doing so well? I may have had a part in it, but there were other factors at play as well, and I was not solely responsible. My Mum being upset? Not caused by me (I actually checked this with her) - these were her own frustrations she was dealing with.

What I started to do, was to to separate myself from the emotion, in order to evaluate the validity of the emotion.

But, this does not mean I am not taking responsibility for my actions, nor am I de-valuing the 'guilt emotion'. Keep reading!

3. Whether the guilt is rational or irrational, I'll aim to take some form of action.

If it is warranted, and I have done something that goes against the type of person I want to be, I will immediately try to fix the situation. This works sometimes, other times, it simply doesn't and I need to move on (Refer to next step).

If the guilt is unwarranted, I start looking outside of myself to see what has triggered it, and I usually find that it leads me to seeing others' insecurities or issues, which is a good thing. This is a new process I am trying out so I'm not 100% on what I am saying here, but watch this space. It's been working so far.

Other times, the unwarranted guilt stems from other past issues, and once I rationalise it, the foundation for this guilt weakens. But more on this later.

4. THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP.

Okay so:

Have I acknowledged that I'm feeling guilty?
Have I figured out why?
Have I taken responsibility and have I taken action to the best of my ability?
Have I learnt from the experience?

Good. Now, I FORGIVE MYSELF.

Because I don't want to carry around that emotion every day - it is not good for me, and it is not good for the people around me. Most of all, it is not productive. I can't move forward if I am still brooding about what I did in the past.

 

I usually include one line in my morning routine, which is in a sense an affirmation, and it goes like this:

"I forgive myself for absolutely everything, completely".

I added this to my morning routine (http://j2self.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/the-first-ten-minutes.html) I think a few months ago, and it has made a powerful subtle difference. I'm not carrying around a crapload of guilt, and I am a lot more forgiving of myself.

What has this meant for me overall?

* I am more open to taking risks and making mistakes, because I know I will do my best, and forgive myself if I screw up.
* I am becoming less 'on-edge' and less concerned with how I look in front of others
* I am becoming less afraid of new opportunities and am more willing to push the boundaries of my comfort zone.
* I have become more open to accepting that everyone around me makes mistakes too, so forgive and move on. But whether to forget? That's another story/blogpost.

AWESOME right?

Again, this is an area I'm still getting my head around, so I would love to hear your insights and thoughts. But working through guilt has made a great difference in how I function, and I'm learning not to be so critical of myself in the process as well. At the end of the day, I know I keep saying it, but in my head, it all comes down to self-love. Life is too short to hold on to guilt.

Thank you for reading, and I wish you a beautiful holiday season <3

Peace and Love!

Til next time,
A.
Posted by at No comments:

Saturday 15 December 2012

Just kidding around

Hi guys!

I'm going to make this one short, sweet and light.

When was the last time you felt like a kid?

Remember that feeling? It's liberating! Everything around you is exciting and new, you don't care what others think, you want to do everything all at once, and leap into life and explore. You're full of curiousity, you laugh so easily, your smile reaches your eyes, and you feel light and full of energy.




No wonder kids are so happy. They're uncomplicated - it's almost as if they, at that tender age, realise how precious and fleeting life is, and how important it is to just let go of your crap and make the most of every moment. Maybe over time we forget that fact.

Today, I took a walk to the lake with my little brother. On the way back, we saw a round-ish fat stick on the ground, and my brother started kicking at it. Soon enough, we were playing soccer on the street, using the roundabouts as goalposts. It was such an awesome moment, yet so simple - the sun was hot, everything around us was bright, disapproving adults glanced at us, and we could feel the searing ground burn through our rubber flip-flops.

It got me thinking - when was the last time I felt like that, like a kid? Hmm, maybe a couple of weeks ago, when it started pouring down with rain and I decided to run out and get totally and utterly drenched.

Those moments, so seemingly insignificant, are, I realise now, the true essence of what it means to be alive - to hold on to that childish innocence, to throw caution and reason to the wind and just experience a moment in time to the fullest....to stop caring that the world is watching and just be free.

So I've decided - I need to indulge the kid in me a bit more. Like, every day. I've decided I'm going to do something every day that reconnects me with the glory of childhood. Because let's face it - we all want to be kids again...or even if we don't, we want what childhood represents.

You know what I think is sad? It's sad that we always knew how to live with zest and fun when we were kids, but as we get older, we let that go. We say things like - "Man things were so much easier when we were kids". Well maybe it wasn't 'things' that were easier - maybe WE were just a lot less complicated back then? Maybe things have always been simple, and we just complexify them ? (yes I know, not a real word)

Everyone tells us to 'grow up' - fine, I will - I'll face up to my responsibilities, I'll make money and support myself, I'll be independent, I'll set goals for myself and work with discipline to achieve them. But don't tell me to 'outgrow' the kid I was...and am.

Because it's kids who teach us to DREAM and never let anyone stop you; they teach us to laugh from our bellies, share our love with open arms, be in awe of the little things, never hold grudges, and be ourselves no matter how crazy we are.


I wonder if, as we progress through this path of 'self-development', we will come full circle and become that kid again? I'm starting to think so, because as each day passes, I feel younger.

So that's my next little experiment - to let myself be a kid again, at least every so often.

Give it a shot - what are some of the things you used to love doing? Painting with your bare hands? Devouring an ice-block on a hot summer day as it drips over your sticky fingers? Racing a friend to the end of the street, just because you can?

Just do it - whatever, this is the stuff that counts in the end, the little moments you'll remember. Let them look! Go on, be a kid. Reconnect.

And as always, tell me how it goes!

Til next time,

Peace & Love,
A.
Posted by at No comments:

Sunday 9 December 2012

The Art of Trust

Hey guys!

A different kind of post today.

I've been thinking a lot lately about trust and openness.

I've always typically been a 'closed' person - I share certain things with certain people, I draw lines in the sand as to how far I feel I can trust different people in my Life, and I stick to it rigidly.

Recently though, I've noticed that I've started to open up. Like this blog - a few months ago, I couldn't have imagined sharing this much of what goes on in my head, in a public domain.

And that got me thinking - what's going on? And is this a good thing?

 

Well,  I can summarise it down to two reasons very clearly:

1. I'm finally really starting to let go of my need for others' approval and in the process, I'm letting go of my 'perfectionising'.

2. I've always been told life is short, but I am actually starting to realise this.

FIRSTLY - I made massive progress in terms of my need for others' approval while on a solo trip overseas this year. Hearing my own thoughts and insecurities being reflected back to me, louder and clearer with no-one else around to impact my thinking, I realised that this craving desire for others to simply like me, or at least tolerate me, was underlying a lot of my actions and behaviours.

Throughout the entire trip, I began to observe myself doing this - saying certain things that I didn't believe in to make others happy, putting a 'stopper' on my naturally passionate personality so it did not intimidate others, and being afraid to voice disagreements for fear of disapproval.

On the final day of the trip, a cloud lifted, and suddenly, I didn't care. I acted in a way that made me proud - and rather than meeting with disapproval, people embraced the sureness and confidence I had that day about myself. It was an awesome day - a big breakthrough. In a way as well, it was moving through a FEAR  (shameless plug much?) - http://j2self.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/is-boogieman-ruling-your-life.html


I guess this also links in with my tendency to 'perfectionise'. Newsflash self, we're all tremendously imperfect, and I'm learning to be totally cool with all the annoying things about me - you have to accept things first, before you can change them. Which makes it easier for me to share the insecurities without a fear of being judged - because I'm learning that we all have issues. I could go ON and ON about perfectionism, but that's for another day ;)



SECONDLY - this one sounds a bit morbid, but I'm slowly starting to realise that we really do have a very, very limited time on this planet - and very little control over what happens to us. So why limit myself and squander this precious time, by trying to fit others' expectations? It's detrimental to me, to not be myself. I know I still have a fair way to go, but this small realisation is slowly changing me in big ways.

Interesting stuff right?

So now to the second part of the question - is it a good thing, becoming an 'open book'? I can only answer this based on what I know right now, and for me now, it's about balance. It's about learning who and when to trust, and to what extent.

I know from experience that I can't trust everyone I come across - trying to do this has gotten me into some sticky situations. But at the same time, not sharing and not trusting anyone is kinda what has turned us into the 'isolated' society we have become.

So what's the answer? I think it all comes back to the same thing I always harp on about - how in touch you are with your self.
 
Because for me, the more you know and understand your self, the more you know and understand people.

What makes us tick is fundamentally the same, world over. And once you figure that out, you'll know how to work the 'Trust flow'. (Copyright)

If my sense of self is strong, I will have the full confidence of knowing that in whatever situation Life throws at me, I will act out of 'self love'. Because a person who acts out of total appreciation and love for everything that they are, can never do any harm to another. Think about this, I believe in this so strongly. And FYI: self-love does not equate to selfishness or ego. These are signs of lack of self-love - but more on this in another blog post.



Honestly, I don't even know if what I'm saying is making total sense, Trust is a topic that I'm still learning about. But being an intuitive person, I can tell you how I feel - I feel a lot better being more open with people about certain things, than I felt being closed about my dreams and passions. And I am learning - when and what to say to who and how. It's an Art.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Are you more 'open' or 'closed'? And have you ever thought about why?

Til' next time!

Peace & Love,
A.
Posted by at 8 comments:

Saturday 1 December 2012

Actually, I've changed my mind....

Ciao guys!

Let's do this.

Take a moment, sit down and draw a circle on a piece of paper. Imagine the circle is your mind, and with a black pen, colour in the portion of the circle that you think is NEGATIVE.

Wait, negative? How can a mind be positive or negative?

Let's detour for a moment:

I'm a firm believer in the fact that your thoughts reflect in your physical body. For me, when I'm thinking anxious or stressed thoughts, my chest tightens and I start taking short, sharp breaths. When I pinpoint the stress-inducing thought, and replace it with a 'positive' thought ("I am not guilty" or "I forgive myself for all the mistakes I have made"), I can actually literally feel my body respond, with a huge breath, a relieving sigh.

So what I'm trying to say is this - the thoughts we think, turn into the emotions we feel, turn into our moods, turn into our personality, turn into our (experience of) LIFE.

What are your thoughts like, generally? How do you feel throughout the day? By gauging your feelings, you can pinpoint the quality of your thoughts. If you're feeling tired, lethargic, drained, irritable much of the time, (barring valid health reasons) then it's safe to say you have some pretty negative thought patterns running through your mind.

So let's get back to that circle - if you had to evaluate your mind and the thoughts that run through your head, what portion would you say, is uplifting and energizing  vs. tiring and depressing?

Five or six years ago, I would've honestly coloured in that entire circle with black. I had an overwhelmingly negative mindset.

It was only until I discovered the concept of 'positive affirmations', did I consciously change my mind, and thereby change my life.

Let me try to define what positive affirmations are -

They are consciously and intentionally designed POSITIVE thoughts, that you repeat to yourself consistently to re-program your mind.

I discovered affirmations when someone very close to me was going through depression. As we worked through it together, I learnt how powerful our mindset is, in determining our perception of life. If you think Life is bad, then that's exactly how you will perceive it.

That's when I realised - my experience of life, is not created externally. It is created in my mind.

I used to think every day was a struggle, I used to think I couldn't do anything right. And I was right.

Now I think that Life is the most beautiful, exhilarating experience, and that I can move mountains and change the world. And I am right.

Coincidence? Actually no:

 

So if I drew that circle now, I would probably colour in about this much of it:

Epic Paint skills!




There is definitely still some negativity left - old thinking patterns that have formed from experiences, that I just don't have the guts to delve into yet and wrinkle out. But I will - because it feels exactly as it looks, above. It feels like a cloud has lifted, as though I had been seeing life through a dark filter, and slowly that filter is falling away.

If you dont believe me, if you don't believe that our thoughts change the way we view Life, then please just try this:

Think of one thing, just one thing that bothers you, something that every so often stands in your way, or causes you anxiety.

EXAMPLE:

Maybe everytime you're getting ready to go out somewhere, you get really nitpicky about how you look, you try out ten different outfits, and within a few minutes, you're feeling awful and super-critical about yourself. Step 1 - Identify the feeling/action/behaviour.

Great, so we've pinpointed a certain instance of negative behaviour that recurs. Now, identify the underlying thought pattern behind it. Try the 5 Whys method (http://j2self.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/more-than-just-word.html), or just sit with yourself in silence and ask yourself what's really going on.

Maybe you'll come up with something like this:

"I'm so unattractive and no-one likes me". Step 2 - Identify the underlying thought.

Awesome we're almost there! Now we know the thought pattern - you have several options. You can delve into the deeper trigger for the thought and address that. Or, you can simply start replacing the thought pattern.

How?

Think of it like this:



Your mind is the vase.  You're the expensive 99 dollar single-stemmed rose from Roses Only. Your thoughts are the water. Over time, sh@t happens, and the water gets murky. As the water gets murky, the rose starts wilting, and things start to look...sad.

So change the water. Take the rose out, pour the murky water away, and replace it with sparkling, fresh new water. And watch yourself bloom as a result.

So you know your 'murky thought'. Now just be aware of it. That's all. Most of the time, these negative thought patterns have become so intrinsically a part of us, that we are not even aware of them, and they play in the background, influencing us in subtle but powerful ways. So, Step 3 - Be aware of the negative thought.

Once you signal to yourself that you want to be aware of it, you will be aware of it, simple as that. You'll notice it as it crops up. And as you do, you distance yourself from the thought. The thought is no longer you, you become separate from it, you observe it. In this process, most of the power that thought had over you, is lost.


The final step? Write out a 'positive affirmation' on a piece of paper, which will completely replace the negative thought pattern. In this case, your affirmation could be:

"I am beautiful, and I love every part of me, completely"

Now all you have to do, is repeat this affirmation to yourself. I would say, first thing in the morning, in front of the mirror. Keep the affirmation in your bag and look at it every so often. Drum it into your head. Say it to yourself when the negative thought appears. Step 4 - Re-program your mind.

Do this for a month and you will start to see the difference. Eventually, you will not need physical affirmations, because you will start to believe what you are telling yourself - that you are beautiful. Which is true anyway. ;)

Knowing how my mind works, has made a big difference in my attitude, my behaviours and my personality.







 

 
So try this method, just give it a shot, even if it sounds a bit...craaaazay.

And as always, tell me how it goes!

Til' next time,

Peace & Love,
A.
Posted by at No comments:
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)