Hope you've been having a special day :)
If you could pinpoint ONE emotion that holds you back or keeps you down the most, what would it be?
I'm tossing up between Guilt and Anger. Being able to summarise it down to 2 emotions is a big achievement in itself for me, so seeing this on paper/on-screen makes me quite happy.
Anger - that's something I need to figure out how to manage.
But Guilt? Now that's something I can get my claws into now.
GUILT. Even the word sounds...unnerving and harsh. Kinda like 'guillotine'. That's my mind for you.
Anyway, I want to question what the purpose of this emotion is.
At the very basic level, I would say guilt helps us to identify situations in which we have acted against our conscience.
Alright, fantastic - that's a good thing. Using guilt as a barometer, we can gauge whether an action we have taken is in line with what we expect of ourselves.
But what happens when we start carrying this guilt around, saving it up and letting it build in our hearts?
I became aware of the concept of 'excess guilt' within me maybe towards the end of last year, or early this year.
Excess or extraneous guilt, meaning:
"She looks upset. Was it something I said? It must be! I always say stupid things and now I've upset her. I feel terrible. I'm a terrible <insert role here: daughter/friend/etc.>"
or even,
"Damn. In the process of chasing my dreams, am I hurting everyone else around me? I feel selfish and awful. I'm a terrible <insert role here: daughter/friend/etc.>"
I guess in a way it's sweet that I account for my impact on others, in the process of going for my goals or just living my life. But at some stage, I must have started piling up the 'guilt feeling' at the back of my head, and that is not good.
Because every time something goes wrong, I notice that my mind races to try and convict me as the culprit. Weird right?
Where does this come from? I think it links to a lot of the different concepts I've written about before - fear, external approval, etc.
If I had to pinpoint one reason, it would be this - maybe I still want to please people and I still want to make others happy, which is fundamentally fine, but sometimes it is at the expense of my interests. In the past year, I've worked on eliminating my fear of others' disapproval. So perhaps now that I am increasingly standing up for my interests, guilt forms to signal that I am doing something 'unusual' or 'not in line' with my old nature?
Ah! How interesting - so what is guilt then? Is it a positive emotion that signals a deviation from our conscience? Or, is it a negative emotion that is resistant to personal change?
More importantly though, does it matter what it is? Not really.
What I can say is this - it is NOT good to carry around guilt inside of you. It's a heavy emotion that can weigh down on your personality and it can lead to a lot of other negativity entering your headspace.
So here is my take or my PROCESS:
1. Guilt signals when I am acting in a way that I usually don't.
2. The moment I feel it, I stop everything and I evaluate the feeling. Is it RATIONAL or IRRATIONAL guilt? (similar to rational or irrational fear- http://j2self.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/is-boogieman-ruling-your-life.html).
Is it warranted, or is it unnecessary?
Through this step itself, when I first started perhaps a year or so ago, I noticed that approximately 70% of the time, the guilt I experienced was UNWARRANTED. That's right - it was stupid. That friend who didn't reply to my message? She wasn't upset at me, she was dealing with her own crap that day. That project not doing so well? I may have had a part in it, but there were other factors at play as well, and I was not solely responsible. My Mum being upset? Not caused by me (I actually checked this with her) - these were her own frustrations she was dealing with.
What I started to do, was to to separate myself from the emotion, in order to evaluate the validity of the emotion.
But, this does not mean I am not taking responsibility for my actions, nor am I de-valuing the 'guilt emotion'. Keep reading!
3. Whether the guilt is rational or irrational, I'll aim to take some form of action.
If it is warranted, and I have done something that goes against the type of person I want to be, I will immediately try to fix the situation. This works sometimes, other times, it simply doesn't and I need to move on (Refer to next step).
If the guilt is unwarranted, I start looking outside of myself to see what has triggered it, and I usually find that it leads me to seeing others' insecurities or issues, which is a good thing. This is a new process I am trying out so I'm not 100% on what I am saying here, but watch this space. It's been working so far.
Other times, the unwarranted guilt stems from other past issues, and once I rationalise it, the foundation for this guilt weakens. But more on this later.
4. THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP.
Okay so:
Have I acknowledged that I'm feeling guilty?
Have I figured out why?
Have I taken responsibility and have I taken action to the best of my ability?
Have I learnt from the experience?
Good. Now, I FORGIVE MYSELF.
Because I don't want to carry around that emotion every day - it is not good for me, and it is not good for the people around me. Most of all, it is not productive. I can't move forward if I am still brooding about what I did in the past.
I usually include one line in my morning routine, which is in a sense an affirmation, and it goes like this:
"I forgive myself for absolutely everything, completely".
I added this to my morning routine (http://j2self.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/the-first-ten-minutes.html) I think a few months ago, and it has made a powerful subtle difference. I'm not carrying around a crapload of guilt, and I am a lot more forgiving of myself.
What has this meant for me overall?
* I am more open to taking risks and making mistakes, because I know I will do my best, and forgive myself if I screw up.
* I am becoming less 'on-edge' and less concerned with how I look in front of others
* I am becoming less afraid of new opportunities and am more willing to push the boundaries of my comfort zone.
* I have become more open to accepting that everyone around me makes mistakes too, so forgive and move on. But whether to forget? That's another story/blogpost.
AWESOME right?
Again, this is an area I'm still getting my head around, so I would love to hear your insights and thoughts. But working through guilt has made a great difference in how I function, and I'm learning not to be so critical of myself in the process as well. At the end of the day, I know I keep saying it, but in my head, it all comes down to self-love. Life is too short to hold on to guilt.
Thank you for reading, and I wish you a beautiful holiday season <3
Peace and Love!
Til next time,
A.
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