The Power of Choice.

Hey guys!

It's so great to be back and I hope you've had a really beautiful couple of months.

So, straight to it - I thought I'd write about stability today. Its a super-relevant topic, because my own life is about to undergo a big change and I've been observing my behaviour closely.

As it starts to set in for me that I will be moving away from everyone and everything I know, I've found myself experiencing a range of emotions from absolute trepidation, to adrenaline, to excitement, to confusion - but lastly, to feeling as though the ground beneath my feet is falling away.

I'm starting to feel a bit like a boat that had been anchored at a port for years, only to suddenly lose that anchor and float away into the unknown - a big black ocean of 'what's going to happen next?'.

http://bluewavearts.ie/little-boat-on-a-big-ocean/

I realised, as I met up with some friends for the last time, that underlying our human existence, is this complex interplay of opposing forces. In this case, the desire to live a stable and secure life, where everything is known to you, faces are familiar, routines are set; versus the desire for excitement, adventure, new discoveries and change.

I wondered if my life until this point had been a result of the interaction of these forces - each competing to supersede the other. For two decades, my innate desire for stability, security and comfort, had outweighed a niggling and growing desire to discover something new. But in recent years, this desire for adventure took the forefront and is now and truly in control.

The human psyche is fascinating. On one hand, we yearn comfort; on the other hand, we chase after Dreams. When we are in comfort, our minds are possessed by our Dreams; and when we put everything on the line for our Dreams, suddenly at the back of our mind, an echo of that desire to be 'safe' rings out.

ephmeralnightmare.blogspot.com 

So I guess then, that our Life, the course it takes, and our experience of it, comes down to choice. To choosing discovery and risk, over safety and security. To choosing passion, over 'this will do'. To choosing to accept pain, failure and heartbreak, rather than to accept routine and predictability.

So as we make our choices, our Life unfolds on a Path based on that choice. Which really means we have a million different Paths before us, and which way we go comes down to how prepared we are to accept the bad and live through the pain, before we get to the good.

This is a liberating thought - because it means we define the limits of our capability. The CHOICE is completely ours.

Which also means the responsibility for a decision we take, is ours to own.

There's something really beautiful about Life, and that is that it responds and shapes itself around our decisions and our willingness to listen very closely to what we really want, and go after it.

So having written all of that, starting with stability, ending in choice - I guess I can say, I'm not as afraid. Because what really do we have to be afraid of? The moment we realise that we dictate the terms of our life, that we dictate what sort of Life we want to lead, there is nothing more empowering.

So perhaps then, I was hugely mistaken - my desire for adventure didn't simply supersede my desire for comfort and security - at some point, I made a conscious decision and I became ready to live with the consequences. So our nature isn't defined by the constant push and pull of desires - a desire for safety, versus a desire for something new - but rather, the defining moments in our Lives are when we reveal our true nature - and that is when we make a choice between competing desires, and commit to it.

Our true nature reveals itself then, when we realise that we set the bar for ourselves and we decide if we're willing to do what it takes to reach, and surpass it.

With every decision, we are responding to these questions -

How big are we willing to let our lives expand? What limits have we set ourselves? And how ready are we to redefine the those limits and let Life change?

What a revelation! I've really missed this!

And as always, I'd love to hear what you think.

Til' next time,

Peace & Love,
A.

Be back in June! :-)

A is for Assertiveness...

Hey guys,

I hope you've been having an amazing few weeks!

I lost my writing mojo for a while there and I'm not entirely sure if it's back, but I guess we'll see. So here goes...

The last few weeks have been intense, crazy, difficult, testing...ups and downs, big highs and big lows...but having been through all of it, I feel like I've really changed as a person, in many different ways.

So I'll start with the first thing that comes to mind - Assertiveness.

You know, I always thought being 'assertive' was a negative thing. But really, it's not  - it's about staking claim to what is rightfully yours.

I was raised in a spiritual, soft-spoken family, and our way of dealing with conflict was to avoid it. If there was something we wanted that would inconvenience another person, we learnt to do without. Not that there's anything wrong with that - it's beautiful in its own way.

Over the last few years however, I've had this internal struggle raging within me - between the way I was raised and who I am becoming now. It's an 'identity clash' in a sense. As I learn more about the world, I find that I am creating my own path for myself and re-defining my personality - and this is sometimes at odds with 'Old Me'.

Anyway I digress. The point is, I had a preconditioned concept of assertiveness in my mind, as being equivalent to 'aggressive', 'pushy' and 'inconsiderate'.

What this meant for me, was that if there was something I wanted and I knew was rightfully mine, I would still struggle to ask for it. If for instance, someone gave me the wrong amount of change for a coffee, I would rationalise this within my mind as "Oh that's okay, it's only 2 dollars, let it be". And I would walk away.

Or, if someone had committed to providing a service to me that I had paid for, I would hesitate to follow up if they were late. And if the service wasn't up to the mark, I would lie anyway and tell them it was absolutely fantastic.

This mentality seeped through to all facets of my life - including relationships and work. I would struggle to point out when I believed my supervisor was being unfair. I would simply 'put up' with remarks that offended me or hurt me, never telling the other person how it made me feel - even if it was a close friend.

Underlying all of this, I guess was a fear of being disliked by others. A fear, that if I shared how I really felt, if I really stood up for myself, people wouldn't like it and they would step away. Again, there wasn't enough 'self-love' within me, so I was searching for the constant approval of those external to me. What resulted, was a 'facade' which morphed to suit the expectations of the people I was around, leaving the real, and very awesome, Me, hidden.

Well over the last few weeks, the lightbulb finally went off and I realised something - there is absolutely nothing wrong with being assertive. There is nothing wrong with asking for what is rightfully yours. For sharing how you feel. For being honest and straightforward with others.

In other words, there is nothing wrong with looking out for your best interests. 

Because all those years of putting myself second had simply worn me out. And it held me back from being the 'Ideal Me'.

If you don't take care of your own interests, then who will? If you're not happy, then how can you possibly bring happiness to anyone else?

www.smallesttribe.com 

Of course there is a fine line between assertiveness and just plain aggressive. But the distinction is this - when you are assertive, you truly know you are doing something for your best interests, out of LOVE for yourself. Not selfish love. But Love love. The kind that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

When you cross that line and become aggressive and imposing, you know that your insecurities are playing up and your Ego has gotten involved.

It's a balancing act - but I'm learning to sit within the 'Assertive' zone more comfortably now. Things have changed, and I now speak my mind. I give feedback honestly. I go and ask for what I want.

www.tallistraining.co.uk 

And the funny thing is, my relationships have actually improved. I was so worried that if I put myself first, I would alienate people. But the fact is, I feel closer to the people in my closest circle now. And more than anything else, I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I don't just 'put up with things'. I'm proud that I have my own back now. 

Because that's what it means to be Assertive.

Of course, I'm still ironing out the creases on this one. But I can honestly say - the feeling of going and claiming what you want, out of a genuine love for yourself, is one of the most empowering feelings in the world.

What do you think? What's your experience with assertiveness? How has it changed your life and your relationship with people?

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts.

Til' next time!(Damn it feels good to write again)

Peace & Love,
A.

The two D's

Hey guys,

I hope you had an awesome week!

Remember that article I wrote last time about 'Maktub', and about believing that there are truly some things that we have no control over?

I've figured something else out, that is kind of on a similar vein. And it's about Discipline.

On face value, Discipline and Destiny are hardly two words you imagine together in a sentence, right?

But since I recently started work again, I've realised how deeply important and correlated these two 'D-words' really are.

www.searchquotes.com 

For four months late last year, I took a break from everything, and every morning I decided what I would do each day. Within a week,  I tired of the lack of structure, and I decided to turn everything I wanted to achieve in my 4 months off, into a routine. So I built up this amazing daily routine, that consisted of waking up on the right note, meditating, affirmations, exercise, healthy and portion-controlled eating, 8 cups of water, vitamin tablets, etc.

Then I found a job. And my system suddenly jolted and said - "but wait, what happens to all those things I did before, that really meant a lot to me?". Good point system, good point.

So this time, I was determined that I would maintain 'work-life balance' - that I wouldn't let the 8 hours I spent at work, dictate how I felt about the day. And to keep positive and motivated about every day, I needed to maintain that awesome routine I had set up.

It was really hard the first few weeks. I had to force myself to wake up an hour early to meditate. I had to spend a solid 10 minutes every night logically explaining to myself why I needed to 'reflect' on the day.

And then I noticed something.

Every time I caved in and didn't do something that was on my routine, I felt horrible. But why? So what if I didn't exercise this morning? So what if I didn't take my vitamins? Big deal!

Well actually, yeah, it is a big deal. Because every time I lacked the discipline to do something I knew was in my best interests, I felt like fundamentally Life was that little bit more out of my control.

Then I realised - discipline gave me control of ME. Because that really is all I can control. I can't decide what happens to me, but I can decide how I behave and how I react - which in turn determines my character.

When I lack the discipline to do something, I am in a sense, relinquishing what little control I do have, over the most important determinant of happiness in my life - Myself. And it sends signals to my mind that I don't value myself enough to do something that means so much to me. This goes to the next level of how our mind works - beyond what we tell ourselves, and into how we act.

So if I truly want to become the Best Me, then I need to do more than tell myself that. I need to prove to myself that I am willing to sacrifice 2 minutes of comfort, to put in the hard work now and invest in myself for the long-term.

                                                 


Every time I have stuck to my routine, more than anything else, I have felt like I am in control. On those days, no matter what the day threw at me, I felt I could get through it.

So then, discipline is more than our parents coming into our room at 6 am and yelling at us to wake up. It is about control. It is about feeling powerful within the domain of our Life that we do have a say in - our Self. It's kind of like, if our boat is strong and steadfast, it can weather through anything the ocean throws at it. The ocean part being 'Maktub'. And more often than not, it takes us where we need to be, beyond our realm of control.

I remember reading somewhere, that the most successful people in the world, who lead unpredictable and exciting lives, come back home to a routine. It is how they gain a sense of control and strength. That article now makes so much sense to me.  

Destiny expands for those who are courageous and committed enough to expand themselves. So the next time you want to procrastinate on the things that really do matter to you, make yourself remember the 2 D's and RECLAIM your power over your Self.

Hardcore workouts, here we come!

Til' next time,
A.

MAKTUB

Hey guys,

I've missed writing my heart out over the last week! So I'm really glad to be back.

This week, I feel like writing about something a bit more abstract - the concept of 'Destiny' and 'Choice'.

I've had a lot of moments over the last 2 weeks, that have made me stand back in awe, as I realised how limited my power was over the outcome of certain events; and how interconnected all the little moments and meetings have been, to bring me to where I am now.

Over the last couple of months, I felt like every 'chance' meeting I had with a friend had a deeper purpose; and every intentional meeting, had a even bigger message for me to listen to.

And it gets even creepier - even the thoughts I think, sometimes feel like they've been put there to make me do something, or to instigate an action that will eventually produce an outcome that I was 'meant' to go through.

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Examples -

wilbau.blogspot.com

I 'randomly' chose to travel to Vietnam at the end of last year. Even I cannot explain to you why I chose to just pack my bags on such short notice and go on a trip, nor can I explain why I chose that country (its beauty notwithstanding). I felt a strong urge to go there, and I did....

And, it was one of the best trips of my Life. I learnt things there and met just the right sort of people on my tour there, that eventually enabled me to build a stronger level of 'street smartness', a renewed level of confidence in myself and my decision-making, and an strong sense of  'I'm just going to be myself no matter what people think'......

And ever since I got back, I've noticed that I've become a much more open and gutsier person. Which in turn led to me starting this blog, again on a whim. Because at that moment, I felt like it. This blog, has taught me things that have changed me forever....

But more importantly, it has helped me to connect with people on a whole new level, and some precious friendships have formed as a result. As I explore these friendships, I realise I have a role to play in their lives as they strive to build organisations and reach for their goals, and they have a certain role to play in mine.....

I met up with one such friend, and he introduced me to a fascinating self-development course. I ended up going to one night of that course, and there I met some amazing people, including the speaker, who made me realise that perhaps a lot of the disagreements I was having with my parents, were a result of my own obstinacy and internal prejudices.....

So I went home that week and I worked on arguing less with my parents, and seeing things from their point of view. As I did that, I realised what their concerns were about me, and started to see them as people, not just 'parents'. As a result, I took my Dad for a walk one evening and had an honest talk....

From that talk, I understood why my parents wanted me to find a job before I left overseas to study, and I decided to apply for one position, just one more time. On this last attempt, I found a contract role. And already, I've found a friend there, who says I have entered her life at just the right time....

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And it goes on - like a perfectly painted series of strokes that build into a larger picture.

Why did I choose to go to Vietnam? Circumstances had built up at that point, and suddenly that urge entered my mind, and it seemed right at that moment.

So now the big question - how much of this, and how much of my Life is a consequence of my free will, and my personal choices, and how much of it is really part of a greater, epic plan?

Do I think all my thoughts, or are certain thoughts and inclinations 'implanted' within me, to set me on the path that I was destined to walk? Is there such thing as a coincidence, or is every meeting, every moment, every brush with a stranger, even every glance where our eyes meet with someone on the street - is all of this already written, with a purpose?

As I write this, I remember a heated debate I had with another friend on the same topic. I argued that our passions ultimately show us what our purpose is in life and in the world, and that everyone is 'born to do something'. He argued that we choose our passions, and we choose how much we are willing to put into achieving our goals - and it is solely our choices that create our future.

As much as I wanted to agree, I found myself referring back to that concept of 'Maktub', mentioned in the Alchemist (A must read!!). That everything is written in a deep place beyond our grasp and our limited understanding. And the more I grow, the more I believe every choice or decision I make leads me to a pre-written destiny.

Or it could even work like this - maybe our choices determine which prewritten path we are going to travel? Like I think some of us consciously choose not to chase after certain dreams. And in doing this, are these people exercising their choice and free will and creating a new destiny for themselves, or is that decision not to pursue a goal, also predetermined?

redbubble.com

Wow, my head is getting seriously warped just reading this.

But the real question here I guess, is, why does it matter?

It matters to me, because believing that everything is interconnected and pre-destined, gives me a sense of deep Peace. Don't get me wrong, a lot of people think that believing in Destiny means not believing in yourself and your own power.
I argue that it is in fact the opposite- I believe in myself, as a small part of a greater whole, a greater whole which has designed a limitless Life for me. I believe I am a part of that whole, and that greatness is a part of me, and you and everyone else.
Every decision I make, which is in line with my truest Heart desires and my gut instinct (this is the important part here), leads me towards an ultimate destiny that has been drawn out for me by the part of me that is limitless.

So having faith in my gut instinct, and believing in myself completely, and then leaving the outcome of events up to 'Destiny' - that keeps me centred. That makes me realise that I have the power to make a choice to put in 100% determination and my absolute best into every task I perform. I have the power to choose to be courageous and go with my gut instinct even when it is really really hard. And then, the results of that task or action, enter a sphere where I have no influence. So then whatever happens, I will try to accept - I'll tell myself it was meant to happen, to teach me something and move me towards realising my ultimate potential and Destiny.

 

But more than anything else, when I sit back and consider how perfectly things fall into place, it makes me appreciate the beauty of Life.

I know I know, it's a bit airy-fairy, quite abstract, and probably to a lot of people, absolute rubbish.

But I'm keen on hearing YOUR views on this topic. In no way do I think my perspective on this is the only way, or the right way. It is simply what works best for me - for now. 

So what about you? Are you reading this post now, because you chose to, or because you were brought here to? Did you stumble upon it quite by chance? Or is there a message in here that was meant to reach you?

Til' next time guys!

Peace & Love,

A.

Finding meaning at the water-cooler

Hey guys!

Keeping this one short and sweet.

I've been experimenting the last couple of weeks, with the concept of 'small talk'.

I always used to snicker to myself when someone invited me to networking events - what's the point? I used to ask. You get 30 seconds with each person, in which you exchange pleasantries and put on an air, and then move on.

And likewise in other situations - why do I have to go downstairs and chat with this Aunty? Should I say something to the barista while she's making my coffee? But what's the point?

Well, I figured something out last year - and that was that, talking is one of the most tangible and powerful ways of connecting with other human beings.

And I was shying away from it. I only valued those 'deep-and-meaningfuls' with the people closest to me, and I treated those fleeting moments of conversation with strangers or acquaintances as a waste of time.

www.cartoonstock.com

But slowly, I've realised that small talk, the type that comes from your heart and is direct and genuine, can really lay the foundation of building longer term friendships and relationships. If not that, at the very least it can make someone's day.

I remember walking down the street one day being really upset about something, when someone came up to me and said: "Excuse me! Do you have a spare smile that I could borrow?".

It MADE my day. And I still remember those precious few words from a stranger, that were uttered so many years ago.

Moments like that, just re-affirm that which we forget so easily sometimes - that we really are all connected, all the same, all wanting the same things, all seeking smiles and love. Moments like that, make the world a better place.

And so I've resolved to stop being so silent, so averse to small-talk, so afraid of what the other person might think or how he/she may react. You know it's crazy, we're so unaccustomed to feeling kindness or hearing caring words from a stranger, that we don't even know how to react sometimes, and that gap between us and 'everyone else' just widens.

I've been trying this out the last few months - I'll smile at someone on the street, and there is a moment of absolute surprise, followed (generally) by a warm smile back. The other day, I devoured the most delicious Turkish gozleme, and I told myself that its maker deserved to know how delicious it was. I was scared as I was walking back to the shop, because she was an older, tired-looking, no-nonsense woman. But I went up and told her anyway - "That was the most amazing gozleme I have ever had!" I squeaked. She looked at me, suprised, and then smiled shyly, as I scurried off. But I felt awesome, and I think she did too.

What I didn't realise before, is that small-talk doesn't necessarily have to be mundane - it can be sweet, and caring and even impactful. And it actually makes your day, more so than it does anybody else's. Because it reinforces the thread that runs through all of us, and that feeling is pretty special.

Since I've changed my view about little facet of life, I've found that the conversations I have, even with acquaintances, are more meaningful, and almost always cut straight through to things like: "what are we going to do with our lives?".

So I'm enjoying this! And I really want to be better at it. I want to be able to strike up a conversation in any situation, with anyone.

Because now I am convinced that any two people can have a common ground, and I'm determined to prove it.

So guys, how about this - what if we each committed to reaching out to one 'stranger' every day? Whether it be paying a receptionist a compliment while you wait to be interviewed; or getting to know your baristas; or saying 'Hi' and giving someone a big smile in the tea-room, even though you have no idea who they are.

Who knows where it could lead us.

www.fvquotes.com

And if you're keen to read more on this, check out Dale Carnegie's classic, 'How to Win Friends and Influence People', which has been an enduring source of inspiration for me.

As always, let me know what you think :)

Til' next time!

Peace & Love,
A.

One-woman island

Hi guys!

I realised something quite amazing this week.

You know that quote, 'every man (or woman) is an island?'.

I used to think of myself like that. I used to think I was just a solitary person, floating in the middle of the sea, occasionally coming into contact with other beings, learning to interact, and then floating right back out alone.

Hence those moments where I would completely withdraw into myself, or moments where I would struggle to communicate honestly with another person. Or those moments I would feel like packing my bags and flying away to a distant country where I could be alone. Finally.

I used to think that's what Life was. There's ME and there's the WORLD, and they're both separate entities that occasionally butt heads, and I just have to put up with these clashes before I can get back to myself.

My Old World View.

Dem Paint Skills.

But I realised this week, that I have been kidding myself.

I used to take so much pride in being 'independent' and 'self-sufficient' - but all this time, I had defined these terms to be: the ability and the preference to be alone.

And that meant being a 'closed book'. That meant having a 'Me' versus 'everyone else' mentality - an internal world of Me, and an external world of everyone else. That meant being careful not to share my weaknesses or my fears with the world, and dealing with things on my own.

I had tricked myself into thinking that this was strength.

But I realised this week, that real inner strength, is retaining one's independence and self-sufficiency while being a part of  the world.

Because all this time, I used to sweep my insecurities and fears under the carpet and present a polished version of me to the world, while telling myself that I could deal with the issues I had hidden away on my own, later. This created a double-identity  - a 'Me' that I was when I was alone, the 'Real Me'; and the 'Me' that came across to others.

As I've been writing this blog, I've noticed that I feel stronger now sharing my real thoughts with honesty and letting the world see what goes on 'behind the veneer', than I ever was before when I was pretending that everything was 100% okay all the time.

And the moment I started sharing, it created a new dimension of interaction with people, that I had never experienced before. Suddenly, I saw an underlying connection running through all of us. Every frustration, change, or transformation I experienced and shared, led to rich and special conversations with people who had always been a part of my life. Yet I had never thought to talk at this level with them before. And it struck me that - wow we all really are in this together.

So suddenly, I am okay with being an imperfect person, doing special things. Being a human, with superhuman dreams. Being an ordinary girl, with extraordinary passion. I'm okay with you reading this, because slowly I'm learning, that true inner strength, is not hiding away in a fortress all alone and being there for yourself - it's standing outside amidst a wild raging storm, and having your own back, no matter what. Inner strength is not about locking yourself away and building 2 worlds - one for you and one for everyone else. It's about being a part of the world, the Universe, this big crazy theatre production that is our shared experience of Life, and still being 100% YOU, no matter what.

Several things triggered this realisation this week - I went to watch 'Life of Pi' with a dear friend of mine (such a beautiful movie!). And then I had this amazing conversation with someone close to my heart, and I realised I was giving people 'perfect little tidbits' of me, afraid to share the full story. That got me thinking.

http://www.mamamia.com

Having said all of this, I will still 'work the Trust Flow' (http://j2self.blogspot.com.au/2012/12/the-art-of-trust.html). I will still decide who I can trust with what information. But I will also start being more real, especially around the people I know I can trust. And I will start being more honest about the things that worry me or scare me. Because there is power in admitting to one's fears and flaws, and not allowing that to define one's identity or actions.  

What this all means also, is that I will be less fearful now of what people think of me. I am free to be this crazy, wacky, hippie person that I am at home, around everyone. And if you like it, great. If not, I'm cool with that, I won't take it personally - we're still in this together.

This is quite a liberating realisation, and I'm looking forward to seeing how it changes the way I act and behave going forward.

I think this blog has done more for me already than I could have ever imagined. So I'm going to make sure I do my best to continue to share my thoughts and the special things I learn, with You every week.

And please feel free to do the same and leave your comments, I am really grateful for you reading this. :)

Til' next time!

Peace & Love,
A.

A SPIRITUAL PIT-STOP

Hey guys!

I hope you've had the most amazing day :-)

A comment made on my post last week, really made me think this week. It was well-considered, thought-provoking and drew my attention to something really important: that I need to learn to stop, breathe and appreciate.

http://reinis.drupalgardens.com

For those who know me, you know I like to push myself like anything. I become so singularly focused on something that I ignore everything else. And when I accomplish something, I revel in it, but I sometimes keep the achievement at an arm's length, to stop myself from becoming complacent.

On the self-development front, I've realised I am no different. When I see myself, I always see a 'Work in Progress', someone who needs to constantly improve and 'fix her faults' to become stronger and better. With this blog, I have discovered a newfound enthusiasm for self-development, and it has become a big 'goal' in my life now. But what this also means, is that I am starting to treat it as I treat all of my other goals - with a RAGE to make progress.

This undying determination to make progress and to make change, is something I treasure about myself. At the same time, I am realising that I need to learn to PAUSE and APPRECIATE, every so often.

For instance, this entire past week - I pushed myself to do this and do that, but strangely enough, despite all that I did, I:

1) did not feel as fulfilled as I thought I would
2) wanted to do even more

And all of this is because I never at one point, stopped to fully acknowledge to myself that I had achieved something. I never took a moment to myself to completely let go, and appreciate what I had done.

You know what this is like? As cliche as it sounds, it is like a high-powered Lamborghini (they are so gorgeous), ZOOMING away on a freeway for hours on end, without a pit-stop. Not good after a while.

So why am I so unwilling to give myself this 'spiritual pit-stop'?

1) I am afraid that if I acknowledge my achievements, I will become complacent, and I will stop.
2) I am afraid that if I do stop for moment, it is a waste of precious time.

This mentality, I've now realised, is resulting in a vicious circle, a MIND-TRAP as I like to call it:

 

 

The world's ugliest circle.

This has uncovered one of my deepest insecurities - the fear of not doing enough with my Life.

BAM. There we go. Now all those complaints I make about feeling exhausted, about there not being enough time for anything, about feeling frustrated and worn down - it all makes sense.

So here's how I am going to fix it.

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to take care of myself. Not just physically, or self-developmentally. I mean emotionally.

I am a big believer in positive reinforcement. I don't believe you can inspire people or change things if you stay focused on the negative, or on what ISN'T happening. You stay focused on what IS possible, and slowly the concept of impossible or 'NOT THERE YET' just seeps away.

So why aren't I applying this principle to myself? I am committing the biggest sin possible in leadership: I am not acknowledging achievements, I am staying narrowly focused on what hasn't been accomplished, and I'm continuing to push myself relentlessly. Working without feeling as though the work is being valued, is like running on empty. And this has to end here and now.

There we go Me, I hope you're taking notice.

So starting tomorrow, here's what I am going to do:

1. I am going to write out a list of my current commitments and see how much more I can commit to, before I hit that point of 'OVERLOAD'.
2. I am going to scale back and evaluate opportunities, committing only if they are in line with my goals.
3. I am going to space things out across the week, so that I have time to breathe.
4. Every time I complete a task, I will literally step away, take a couple of hours to relax and clearly acknowledge to myself, that I did I great job, and I should be proud. And yes I may give myself a hug. :-)
5. On weekends, I will treat myself - yes that's okay. It's not a waste of time, it's actually a time saver. A few hours to re-charge will result in a more efficient and effective 'machine'.
6. Every morning, I want to incorporate just a few minutes where I sit down and acknowledge everything I have - kind of like a 'Gratefulness Routine'. If I feel like I am already abundant, I will be less likely to take action from a mindset of 'lack', and therefore be less likely to overload my plate to address insecurity.







Phew.

Big realisation.

But a good one! A lot of us rush from one thing to the next, and feel like a spent force at the end of the day. Maybe this little tweak in our mindset and in our day, could make a great difference? It could build our patience, release our stress and anxiety, and energise us to accomplish even more.

Thank You to the reader who made that comment last week - you are awesome.

And guys again, let me know your thoughts. They clearly have a great impact on me and I love the conversations they lead to. :) And the next time you get something done, give yourself that metaphorical, or literal, pat on the back. Because you totally deserve it.

Til' next time!

Peace & Love,
A.

REFLECTIONS

Hey guys!

Hope you've had a really special day.

Did you know what Benjamin Franklin used to do every single day?

He used to sit down every night, and reflect on how his day went. To quote one of my all-time favourite books, The Monk who Sold His Ferrari -

  "He would consider all of his actions and whether they were positive and constructive or whether they were of the negative sort, in need of repair.

By clearly knowing what he was doing wrong in his days, he could take immediate steps to improve and advance along the path of self-mastery."

That's totally him introspecting.

http://www.turner.com

Da-yum.

I read this book a year ago, and I skimmed over this paragraph. So many days later, this concept has slowly re-emerged from the depths of my sub-conscious to nag at me, and I decided this morning that I would listen to the 'nagger' - i.e., every night, I would sit down and take 10 minutes to reflect on my day.

Funnily enough, the moment I made this decision in the morning, a friend of mine suggested practising 'introspection' at a youth group meeting in the afternoon. Coincidence? I think not!

Anyway, here's why this topic has slowly emerged again in my mind: in this first month of 2013, I have learnt bucketloads. I have made a crapload of mistakes - epic goof-ups to minor annoying things. But each time this has happened, after a couple of days of fretting and sulking, I've learnt something epic about myself or about Life.

Stuff I've learnt So Far:

* Not to go against my gut instinct, to make a decision that will make the people around me happy, at the expense of what I know I want to do - because in the end, the emotional torture of going against my gut is SO not worth it.
* Always go in prepared when meeting with people regarding my career or passions (a.ka. 'networking')
* Don't completely over-react and totally lose my cool when my Mum says the tiniest annoying things (still working on this one)
* Don't sleep any later than 12 am, because nothing I say makes any sense the next day.
* Never EVER skip meals. You won't like me when I'm hungry.
* Get a grip and stop committing to everything out of excitement. Calm down and think it through!

So the first month of 2013 has been eventful to say the least.

By the third week I was thinking: "I make SO many mistakes, so many epic gaffes, and I learn so much from them, that I need to write this down somewhere".

I put that off for a week as usual, and then things slowly started to fall into place.

You know how all it takes sometimes, is awareness, and that is enough to change you and your circumstances? It's like sometimes, I act like an absolute tool and I have no idea, but the moment I become aware of it, I not only gain the power to stop, I subconsciously begin the process of stopping and improving.

I started realising over the last week, that if I'm not keeping track of how I think and act every day, how will I ever improve? How will I ever become aware of the things I need to work on? How will I know where/what  I need to change?

This quote has awesomely summarised this entire post into 3 sentences (approximately):

HINDSIGHT

"Without this ability, we cannot learn from our mistakes. We cannot clean up the wreckage of our actions. We are locked into a cycle of repeating the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. This is commonly known as the definition of

INSANITY."

BARBARA S. COLE, The Gifts of Sobriety

 
Ah-huh. Insanity sounds about right.

So I'm really excited about this addition to my daily routine guys! I feel like I can get so much value from it, which is why I'm harping on about it here.

I want to know what makes me tick, what changes my mood, what makes me act the way I act.

I want to do something like this, every night:

And so on. This is a simplistic example, but you get the drift.

Introspection and Reflection is not only going to help me improve, it's really quite therapeutic to kind of just blurt your day out onto paper, learn from the mistakes, and put the whole day behind you so you can start the next one fresh, bright and wiser.

Seeing things on paper also really helps to cement an idea into my mind. I'm a very visual person, things have more impact on me if I see them or visualise them, than if I'm told something. Apparently writing things down also signals to your subconscious that you mean really do business and makes an idea 'stick'.

So here goes! Wish me luck, and as always, let me know what you think! I'm sure my 'findings' from daily introspection will make their way into a future blogpost at some point...

So,

Til' then!

Peace & Love,
A.

Acknowledging One's Awesomeness.

Hey guys!

I have heaps to say because I've learnt loads about myself this past week, but let me start with this:

How do you react to compliments?

If you're anything like me, your face kinda twitches, you squirm a little bit, and you DEFLECT like anything. It goes something like this:

Complimenter: "Oh you look nice today!"
Me: "....I...ah-huh..yep thanks" *face twitch* "So the weather these days right?? What is like up with that?"

http://imgfave.com

I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but I think the way someone responds to a compliment says a lot about them.

I started picking up on my weird reaction to compliments a lot over the last couple of weeks, and then I started digging deep and noticing something else. If someone, even it if were a close friend, were to mention something I have achieved, I would DEFLECT straight away. I would completely downplay it, be a little awkward, and then change the topic.

And you know what, I told myself this was okay the first couple of times I noticed it. I was being humble and self-deprecating and charming right?

Mmmm not really. Now that I think about it, this is not a good thing.

And when I started asking myself why I acted this way, several things popped up:

1. I am afraid to appear successful in front of others.
2. I think that accepting my achievements in front of others is a form of cockiness, so I go the other way and completely devalue what I have done/achieved.
3. I sometimes don't enjoy having the spotlight on me, so I turn it away as soon as I can.

I can understand where the second two reasons come from - to an extent, I think it comes from society telling us to be superficially self-deprecating when we interact with others, to appear humble by spilling out a couple of seemingly modest statements. You know how it goes:

"You look great! That dress is gooorgeous!"
"No this old thing? It's practically an antique. You're the one who looks amazing!"
"Oh tosh! Don't be silly, I look like a bag"

I'm not even going to try to deconstruct what really exists underneath the surface of such conversations.

So I'll move on to Reason # 1 - which I find a bit unsettling. I want to know why I am afraid of appearing successful.

It could be because I think that it will repel people away from me. This reminds me of (part of) a beautiful quote:

“There is NOTHING enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to SHINE, as children do.”
― Marianne Williamson

Even as I'm writing this, my mind is screaming: "STOP! You sound like an arrogant prick, no-one is going to read this from now on".

But what is so damn wrong about OWNING your achievements in front of others? What is so wrong with a big smile and a "THANK YOU", when someone compliments you?

That other person is seeing the good in you, sometimes the good that even you can't see. Why be ashamed of what you have, and what you are? Why not acknowledge all that you have achieved? God knows you worked hard for it!

And I know that people think it can be easy to move from being proud and owning one's achievements, to being boastful and conceited. I don't think it is. I think a truly secure and self-confident individual will acknowledge and own her achievements and her good traits in a way that empowers the people around her, rather than belittling them or making them feel insecure.

It is only when you are lacking in self-confidence, that you try to over-compensate and over-indulge in a compliment or in flattery, and that's what comes across as egotistical. I'll write more on this in another post for sure.

But coming back to this post, here is my conclusion - I find it easy to genuinely compliment and praise the people around me on their achievements. Why should it be so hard for me to accept the same?

Acknowledging all the things you love about yourself in a public domain, is like affirming to your subconscious: "Yeah see? I really do believe you are awesome".

I tried this one time and this is how it went:

Complimenter: "You are going to do so well in that course"
Me: "Oh haha I don't know about that" *Sending signals to my subconscious that I don't believe in myself*
Me 2-seconds later: "Actually, you know what, I think I will do well. I'm really passionate about this, so I know I'll give it my best shot."

How did I feel after that? Awesome! It was like an invisible fist-pump to myself.
How did Complimenter feel after that? Awesome! I wasn't being conceited, I was acknowledging that I believed her compliment and I appreciated it.

Guys, seriously, I know this all sounds a bit wacko, but there is another amazing quote I want to share with you:

When you undervalue what you DO, the world will undervalue who you ARE.”
― Oprah Winfrey

So OWN your awesomeness, in a liberated and totally YOU way. If someone says you look hot, give them a massive smile and just say thank you! Show that you value that they noticed something special about you. And even throw a genuine compliment back their way. If someone congratulates you or praises you on an amazing achievement, accept it, acknowledge it and thank them with sincerity and warmth.

And if you really do have an insecurity about something someone has complimented you on, why not just be honest? When people used to compliment me on my singing, I would react by violently shaking my head. I'm now learning to respond with: "I am a pretty good singer, but I doubt it sometimes because I am not as trained as others are". Usually what results, is an honest response from the other person, and a real and straight-forward conversation.

And what about the other way around - if you go a bit overboard and come off more intense and proud than you intended? Who cares! Forgive yourself, take note, and try again. But don't put yourself down, don't undervalue who you are and what you have done in front of others. No-one is gaining anything from that. I realise that now.

We have a right to be everything we have ever wanted to be. We have a right to feel secure within ourselves, and to be proud of who we are and what we have accomplished. And there is NOTHING egotistical about that.

http://womenonthefence.com

What do you guys think? As always leave comments, I love reading them and I love the conversations they start!

Til' next time,

Peace & Love!

A.

More than just a word - THE SEQUEL.

Hey guys,

Hope your first two weeks of 2013 have already shown you glimpses of everything you can be!

As for me, I'm re-visiting a couple of old resolutions, starting with the one about keeping my word - http://j2self.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/more-than-just-word.html

I'm the type of person who takes FOREVER to really understand something, but once I do, it changes me. And today I realised that I still have a way to go before I become my 'Ideal Self', in the 'commitment' department.

Commitment as in - I still give my word very freely and very easily, just to see other people light up and look happy at that moment. And at times, I still don't hold true to what I have promised.

Don't get me wrong, the 'Word Bank' is coming in SO useful, and I'm really chuffed at myself for sticking to my word at least 60% of the time, as opposed to the previous 30%. It's increased my confidence in myself and I feel like I'm becoming the sort of credible, reliable person I know I can be.

But today I think I uncovered something new about myself - I think I have an aversion to commitment (!). I'm literally figuring this out as I'm writing this, so this should be fun:

I find that I give my word to being involved with something, but the fact that I have locked myself down to a commitment scares me; furthermore, I make up all sorts of excuses to try to validate to myself why I shouldn't uphold a promise - why it's okay to break a commitment, just this once.

For instance, I tell someone I will come to an event, and in the 2 hours leading up to the event, my mind goes on overdrive, trying to convince me that I won't compromise my credibility if I don't go.

Another example - I commit to taking part in a production or a play, initially overcome by excitement. Then I start making excuses within my own head, to get out of becoming 'too involved' in it.

I am so strange!

So here I go, psycho-analysing myself again. Why do I act like this?

Time for some good old self-reflection.

Photo courtesy: PixelCurse.

http://pixelcurse.com/photography/40-interesting-wonderfully-creative-self-portraits

Potential reason #1:

I'm lazy.

Very possible. I can be shockingly lethargic at times.

And you know how in cartoons, the protaganist always has this evil dude sitting on one of her shoulders, and another goodie two-shoes angel on the other shoulder? Maybe when I try to stick to my word and really do everything possible to commit to something and carry it out, 'Evil Dude' is like: "Man, who cares, just leave it. It's not a big deal".

http://doorwayproject.wordpress.com/2010/12/06/the-bad-samaritan/

 

Yeah possible. Sometimes when we try to implement new habits, its our old pre-conditioned mindset that stands in the way, and it can be really hard to overcome that. Maybe that's what I'm dealing with now.

Potential reason #2:

Commitment freaks me out - why?

I guess as a person, I hate being held down within the confines of something. I don't like rules that say: "You can't do this" or "Please do not". I don't like feeling restricted. This can be a good thing, but it's also something I need to learn to rein in, especially in situations like this. 

Maybe in a sense, I perceive commitment to be a 'restriction'? It does mean I MUST abide by a certain course of action, and not another - so maybe I feel limited when I commit to something and actually have to carry through, with no other option.

</END ANALYSIS/>

It's probably a mixture of both of these reasons.

And the reason I'm bringing this up today, is because I thought all was well and good - my Word Bank was working most of the time, and I was making awesome progress. But the truth is, I thought I was doing great at a very high-level, without really reflecting at a deeper level.

Let me re-phrase - this whole thing, of trying to wrangle my way out of things AFTER I have committed, I never ever realised I did that before, until today. Until today, it was a sub-concious part of me, a pre-conditioned behaviour, and I was completely oblivious to it!

And now that I can see it consciously, I'm so surprised and so annoyed at myself.

So how am I going to fix it?

 

http://economistmom.com/wordpress

Well, let's AUDIT the Word Bank process first:

* Clearly I am not recording every commitment I make in the Word Bank once it happens. I went and had a look through and noticed that the bigger commitments I made never made it in (!). How strange. If I saw a commitment on paper, I would definitely feel more determined to stick to it, so I need to become more aware of when I am making a commitment to someone, and immediately input this into the Word Bank.
* I am also not checking my Word Bank frequently enough, so I need to make this a daily habit.

So that's that.

But what about the bigger issues at play here? Because something else has just occured to me - do I dislike commitments because some part of me thinks I will not be able to meet the expectations of the people I have committed to?

If so, then, between pure laziness/self-sabotage, a general dislike for confines and rules, and a tiny residual lack of confidence in my ability to fulfil a promise - I've got my work cut out for me in this department!

So having acknowledged that I've taken the first few steps, I need to plot out my next steps.

And here they are:
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http://riverwoodschurch.com 

1. Be alert and aware of whenever I am about to give my word/make a commitment.

2. Stop right there, and consider whether:
a) I genuinely want to do this
b) I am willing to do this
c) I am ready to do this, no matter what

3. Make the commitment

4. Record it in my Word Bank there and then, no matter how many weird looks I get.

5. Ensure I carry through. If I notice myself making up excuses, or trying to 'wrangle out', here is the one question that will get me through:

"What would Ideal Me do?"

This is the question I asked today, that brought on this realisation. It is SO effective and powerful. All the excuses, the lies I tell myself, everything slips away, when I ask myself that question. Check it - http://j2self.blogspot.com.au/2013/01/hey-guys-hope-you-are-having-beautiful.html


So there we have it - Revised Action Plan Number 2, for 'Keeping my Word'.

And as I'm writing this, I can hear a voice asking me: "Is it worth it?".

I had to pause for a minute, but the answer is a very strong 'YES'.

Because 'Ideal Me' is the sort of person whose word is so credible, so precious and so powerful, that once given, it creates lasting change. I want to be a person of integrity, steadfast character and convictions, and inner strength. And this is going to get me there.

http://charactercountsatvalleyfield.blogspot.com.au/2010/05/how-to-be-person-with-integrity.html 

Hear that Evil Dude? That's right.

As always, I would love to hear what you think and what your experience is - it not only makes for awesome conversation, but it also helps in providing perspective.

Til' next time!

Love & Peace,
A.

Me, Myself...and 'Ideal Me'.

Hey guys,

Hope you are having a beautiful day!

I was talking to someone the other day, about perfectionism. I told them I thought there wasn't such thing as being 'perfect', but to me, being perfect was about being the 'Best Me'.

The Best Me.

I love that phrase!

A few years ago, I took out a pen and paper and drew an image of myself - my 'Ideal Self'. I drew everything I had, what I looked like, and even carefully designed the expression on my face. I labelled the image 'My Ideal Self', and then I hid it under a mound of books on my desk and I forgot about that drawing.

But the image implanted itself into my mind, and I was fascinated by it. I had created a vision of the 'Best Me' and I was intrigued.

Fast-forward a few years. You guys know I like reflecting on myself and my Life. Last week, as I did this, a thought struck me, and I ran over to my desk and rummaged around for that picture. I took it out, and my jaw almost dropped.

I was turning into her.

And then I realised, ever since I had clearly drawn out the person I wanted to be, I had subconsciously started to work towards it. It's kinda like how they say you should always write down your goals on paper, because that makes them more concrete, and it signals to yourself and the world that you're serious. Maybe that's what happened.

Whatever it was, ever since I drew that picture, I realised I had carried with me that image of my 'Ideal Self' in my mind and heart, and she was popping up here and there throughout my life. I had started asking myself, without even noticing, - "what would Ideal Me do?". I channelled that 'Ideal Me' concept to boost my confidence, to handle difficult situations, and to give tasks my best shot.

And over time, I have come closer to becoming that person. Will I ever be that person 100%? Actually yeah, I will. If anyone ever tells you that you can't be everything you want to be, they're wrong. So I believe that every one of us can be our 'Ideal Selves'.

I have so much respect for this concept - so if you have 5 minutes, which surely you do, try it! Write a list, or draw up a flowchart, or paint a picture, whatever comes naturally. But answer this question to yourself - if you could be EVERYTHING you want to be, who would you be?

http://www.google.com.au/imgres?um=1&hl=en&tbo=d&biw=1280&bih=634&tbm=isch&tbnid=0ZszpCME-wA7OM:&imgrefurl=http://www.lorinbellerblake.com/2012/05/17/who-do-you-want-to-be/&docid=7puYGcuf_elB9M&imgurl=http://www.lorinbellerblake.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/choose_who_you_want_to_be.jpg&w=498&h=350&ei=3FjpUInlLcXCkQXdn4CYBg&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=135&sig=114038890772951599002&page=2&tbnh=113&tbnw=152&start=20&ndsp=29&ved=1t:429,r:35,s:0,i:195&tx=127&ty=60

Would you be a bold, sassy environmentalist campaigning across the world? Or would you be an elegant, self-confident entrepreneur raking in a 6-figure salary?

How would 'Ideal You' handle situations? How would she/he speak, look, behave, act? Would she smile a lot? Would her voice project across the room? Think it all through. Even without you knowing, your mind will seize upon that image.

So that when you have to make that freaky phone call to deliver bad news to a client, or next time you have to stand up and give an impromptu introduction to a room full of strangers, you can tell yourself - I'm going to handle this as my Ideal Self would. And just watch, you'll ace it.

Our mind is intensely powerful - whatever you tell it, it will believe you. I've learnt this the hard way. So show your mind the way - show it what you want to be and what you want to strive for, and if you're diligent with conditioning it to be a positive and inspiring tool, then you're set. There is nothing more powerful than having your mind aligned with You and your Goals.

I believe Life is about us becoming everything we can possibly be. This is our first step in a long and amazing voyage - closing the gap between the 'You now' and the 'Ideal You'. Going from 'Me + Baggage' --> 'Just Me' ---> 'Ideal Me'.

So do give it a shot, create a concrete image of your Ideal, and start seeing yourself change - because seriously, what could be more  PERFECT than YOU, in all your glory? :)

http://www.google.com.au/imgres?hl=en&tbo=d&biw=1280&bih=634&tbm=isch&tbnid=wYz6bNZNkpx-MM:&imgrefurl=http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-5598/5-Steps-to-Conquer-SelfDeprecation.html&docid=tovWCfS-WQvMNM&imgurl=http://res.mindbodygreen.com/img/ftr/you-are-perfect-sara.jpg&w=896&h=598&ei=1VfpUPnvJcbikgXZuIDYCA&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=762&vpy=278&dur=2969&hovh=183&hovw=275&tx=118&ty=19&sig=114038890772951599002&page=1&tbnh=136&tbnw=227&start=0&ndsp=16&ved=1t:429,r:14,s:0,i:127

Til' next time,

Peace and Love!
A.