Hi Guys!
I hope you've had a really awesome week.
I came to a pretty big (but somewhat obvious) realisation this week.
That for all the little things I was doing - re-establishing my routine with affirmations and meditation, and strange and wonderful new techniques to think better and live better - I wasn't really addressing any of the underlying core self-beliefs that really needed mending.
What I have been doing, is taking a 'band-aid approach', and temporarily masking deeper issues around my thinking patterns and self-beliefs with momentary quick-fix solutions.
Don't get me wrong - practices like meditation are essential, but they are, I now realise, Stage 2 of any self-improvement journey: Stage 1 involving being brave enough to look into the mirror and really understand who we are - what are our most monumental fears? What really holds us back? What beliefs are limiting us from being the best we can be, and why?
Doing this is scary, because it forces us to examine ourselves and our lives in rich, unapologetic detail. We're often afraid of our own truths - maybe because we've been programmed by the outside world to expect ourselves to be perfect, to feel as though anything less than perfect is something to be ashamed of. Indeed, all we see around us, on social media, in advertisements, is a clean and sanitised version of everyone's lives - a facade of perfection.
We're so afraid to admit to each other that our internal world is actually different. It's definitely not perfect. And we know it - deep down, we know that everyone struggles, everyone's afraid, everyone has a dimension to them that is full of insecurity and past hurts. And that's what makes us the rich, complex, fascinating beings we are - the fact that we can succeed despite our failures, despite our pasts - the fact that the goodness in us has the power to ultimately overcome the misgivings and negative trappings of our mind. The fact that there is literally a battle between good and evil, going on within us everyday - the outcome of which is determined by our choices.
And when we choose to ignore the ugly bits, the scary bits, the harsh realities of ourselves and our lives, we're not really winning any battles, we're putting them off. In fact, we're allowing the negativity in us to fester and grow quietly in the background, as we take overexposed selfies and post them expectantly on Facebook, hoping for the validation of others, for the many 'likes' and comments, to distract us, trick us into believing that everything is A-OK - when we know that it surely is not. I know I am often guilty of this.
We need to stop running from the full picture of who we are, and take a moment to step back and acknowledge ourselves in all of our disgustingly awesome glory. Because that's where true self-love begins.
I grudgingly realized this when a few days ago, my mood just crashed - for absolutely no reason, no trigger. I felt like a heavy tent that had been held up by flimsy sticks, just crashing to the floor. And I could not explain why. I felt a sense of frustration and anger, and a deep sense of sudden dissatisfaction with myself and my life. And although meditation, and affirmations, and all of that made me feel better for a few minutes, as the day progressed, I felt the silent arm of unexplainable discomfort grip at me.
The last time I had felt that extent of dissatisfaction or uneasieness with my life, it had made me question where I was working, where I was living and what I was doing, and it ended up enabling me to find a sense of Purpose. Make no mistake - those moments of deep innate frustration, that feeling that wrenches at your gut, screaming at you to re-examine your life - that feeling always leads to change - if you choose to explore it fearlessly, ready to hear and act upon the answers within yourself.
But this time, I wasn't listening. I was ignoring. Because I was really scared of what I would hear if I dared to ask myself what needed to change in my life now. So instead, here I am, I'm listening passively to affirmations, hanging out with friends and learning Hindi. Which is nice, but I know that when I get home, and I'm alone with myself, that gut feeling will creep in again going *warning warning something is not quite right!*.
So I decided to start addressing it.
I basically went home one day and asked myself what was wrong - almost like a shrink session run by me, for me - and I took notes on my laptop. The first thing I wanted to figure out, was why I was being so tough on myself recently. Why did I feel I wasn't doing enough, achieving enough? All sorts of things came up - self criticisms, judgements, fears, doubts. So I took a step back and dug deeper, and tried to figure out where these negative beliefs were coming from - I could trace most of them back clearly to past events that had planted the seed of an flawed belief in my mind, and from then on, the self-fulfilling prophecy had ensured that everything I saw and experienced, reaffirmed that belief.
It was a confronting couple of hours to step back and face your emotions straight up, but afterwards, I felt stronger, and I felt as though I was in control again - as though I understood myself better, my mind better. This is a science really. Our mind is a machine.And we should be constantly aware of its workings - we need to own the machine, the machine should not own us. And to be in control, we need to switch off 'Auto-Pilot', and stop ignoring what our gut is telling us. Took me a fair while to figure that out this week.
That self-shrink session was just beginning of me sorting out my own issues and dealing with what feels like a so-called 'Quarter-Life Crisis' - as questions like: "What really makes me happy?", "where exactly am I heading in life?", "what do I really want, in 5, 10 years time, and how will I get there?" have started pounding at my mind.
These are 'future questions', and to address these, we need to resolve our past.
So that's where I'm at and I wanted to share that. Because a part of me knows we all face similar struggles, but we don't always acknowledge it. And that's not okay, because we really are all in this together. These were some steps I took to make things clearer and start addressing my inner world:
1. Take out a piece of paper and write down all the emotions you are feeling now. Don't filter anything.
2. Keep writing until you hit upon some recurring themes.
3. Now take a moment and observe your thoughts - what sort of thoughts are running through your mind? Write them down.
4. In front of you now, is your inner world on a piece of paper - what does it look like to you?
5. If it doesn't look too fantastic, uplifting or positive, start digging deeper. Try linking the emotions to the thoughts.
6. Tackle it one thought at a time - where did this thought come from? When did you first start feeling this way about yourself and your life...and WHY? (When I did this, I literally had a past memory flash in my head and it suddenly made sense where this belief was coming from).
7. You know why it's happening, so now fix it through:
Essentially, this enables you to customise your routine - your affirmations, visualisations - so that they are specifically suited to address YOU.
I'm sure there are other formal techniques that help to remove mental blockages and I'll share them as I go along :)
Approaching this logically by writing down emotions and working backwards to see where they're coming from worked really well for me in identifying particular painpoints from my past that were holding me back today.
Right now, amidst the feeling that great change is about to come. I'm actually excited to get the trash out of my mind properly and see what this strange quarter-life crisis brings - and yes I'm also afraid, because I don't know what it will bring.
But I'd rather find out, than to live in fear and never know.
If you've ever felt similarly, gone through similar phases, I'd love to hear your thoughts. We can work together to get through our deepest insecurities and succeed - I truly believe that.
Til' next time, and with Love!
A. x
I hope you've had a really awesome week.
I came to a pretty big (but somewhat obvious) realisation this week.
That for all the little things I was doing - re-establishing my routine with affirmations and meditation, and strange and wonderful new techniques to think better and live better - I wasn't really addressing any of the underlying core self-beliefs that really needed mending.
What I have been doing, is taking a 'band-aid approach', and temporarily masking deeper issues around my thinking patterns and self-beliefs with momentary quick-fix solutions.
Don't get me wrong - practices like meditation are essential, but they are, I now realise, Stage 2 of any self-improvement journey: Stage 1 involving being brave enough to look into the mirror and really understand who we are - what are our most monumental fears? What really holds us back? What beliefs are limiting us from being the best we can be, and why?
Doing this is scary, because it forces us to examine ourselves and our lives in rich, unapologetic detail. We're often afraid of our own truths - maybe because we've been programmed by the outside world to expect ourselves to be perfect, to feel as though anything less than perfect is something to be ashamed of. Indeed, all we see around us, on social media, in advertisements, is a clean and sanitised version of everyone's lives - a facade of perfection.
We're so afraid to admit to each other that our internal world is actually different. It's definitely not perfect. And we know it - deep down, we know that everyone struggles, everyone's afraid, everyone has a dimension to them that is full of insecurity and past hurts. And that's what makes us the rich, complex, fascinating beings we are - the fact that we can succeed despite our failures, despite our pasts - the fact that the goodness in us has the power to ultimately overcome the misgivings and negative trappings of our mind. The fact that there is literally a battle between good and evil, going on within us everyday - the outcome of which is determined by our choices.
And when we choose to ignore the ugly bits, the scary bits, the harsh realities of ourselves and our lives, we're not really winning any battles, we're putting them off. In fact, we're allowing the negativity in us to fester and grow quietly in the background, as we take overexposed selfies and post them expectantly on Facebook, hoping for the validation of others, for the many 'likes' and comments, to distract us, trick us into believing that everything is A-OK - when we know that it surely is not. I know I am often guilty of this.
http://jeannettewilson.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/get-more-likes.jpg
We need to stop running from the full picture of who we are, and take a moment to step back and acknowledge ourselves in all of our disgustingly awesome glory. Because that's where true self-love begins.
I grudgingly realized this when a few days ago, my mood just crashed - for absolutely no reason, no trigger. I felt like a heavy tent that had been held up by flimsy sticks, just crashing to the floor. And I could not explain why. I felt a sense of frustration and anger, and a deep sense of sudden dissatisfaction with myself and my life. And although meditation, and affirmations, and all of that made me feel better for a few minutes, as the day progressed, I felt the silent arm of unexplainable discomfort grip at me.
The last time I had felt that extent of dissatisfaction or uneasieness with my life, it had made me question where I was working, where I was living and what I was doing, and it ended up enabling me to find a sense of Purpose. Make no mistake - those moments of deep innate frustration, that feeling that wrenches at your gut, screaming at you to re-examine your life - that feeling always leads to change - if you choose to explore it fearlessly, ready to hear and act upon the answers within yourself.
But this time, I wasn't listening. I was ignoring. Because I was really scared of what I would hear if I dared to ask myself what needed to change in my life now. So instead, here I am, I'm listening passively to affirmations, hanging out with friends and learning Hindi. Which is nice, but I know that when I get home, and I'm alone with myself, that gut feeling will creep in again going *warning warning something is not quite right!*.
So I decided to start addressing it.
I basically went home one day and asked myself what was wrong - almost like a shrink session run by me, for me - and I took notes on my laptop. The first thing I wanted to figure out, was why I was being so tough on myself recently. Why did I feel I wasn't doing enough, achieving enough? All sorts of things came up - self criticisms, judgements, fears, doubts. So I took a step back and dug deeper, and tried to figure out where these negative beliefs were coming from - I could trace most of them back clearly to past events that had planted the seed of an flawed belief in my mind, and from then on, the self-fulfilling prophecy had ensured that everything I saw and experienced, reaffirmed that belief.
It was a confronting couple of hours to step back and face your emotions straight up, but afterwards, I felt stronger, and I felt as though I was in control again - as though I understood myself better, my mind better. This is a science really. Our mind is a machine.And we should be constantly aware of its workings - we need to own the machine, the machine should not own us. And to be in control, we need to switch off 'Auto-Pilot', and stop ignoring what our gut is telling us. Took me a fair while to figure that out this week.
That self-shrink session was just beginning of me sorting out my own issues and dealing with what feels like a so-called 'Quarter-Life Crisis' - as questions like: "What really makes me happy?", "where exactly am I heading in life?", "what do I really want, in 5, 10 years time, and how will I get there?" have started pounding at my mind.
These are 'future questions', and to address these, we need to resolve our past.
So that's where I'm at and I wanted to share that. Because a part of me knows we all face similar struggles, but we don't always acknowledge it. And that's not okay, because we really are all in this together. These were some steps I took to make things clearer and start addressing my inner world:
7 Steps to Run Your Own Self-Shrink Session:
1. Take out a piece of paper and write down all the emotions you are feeling now. Don't filter anything.
2. Keep writing until you hit upon some recurring themes.
3. Now take a moment and observe your thoughts - what sort of thoughts are running through your mind? Write them down.
4. In front of you now, is your inner world on a piece of paper - what does it look like to you?
5. If it doesn't look too fantastic, uplifting or positive, start digging deeper. Try linking the emotions to the thoughts.
6. Tackle it one thought at a time - where did this thought come from? When did you first start feeling this way about yourself and your life...and WHY? (When I did this, I literally had a past memory flash in my head and it suddenly made sense where this belief was coming from).
7. You know why it's happening, so now fix it through:
- Writing and saying out loud your own affirmations that specifically address that memory or thought: for example: even though my sister screamed "I hate you" when I was a child, I know she loves me, the world loves me and I love myself. Just an example.
- Visualising the same memory taking place with a different outcome, a happy outcome. Or, visualise that memory being sucked into a vacuum cleaner, and let it go.
- Incorporate these into your daily routines, such as your meditation, to chip away at the blockages every day bit by bit.
Essentially, this enables you to customise your routine - your affirmations, visualisations - so that they are specifically suited to address YOU.
I'm sure there are other formal techniques that help to remove mental blockages and I'll share them as I go along :)
Approaching this logically by writing down emotions and working backwards to see where they're coming from worked really well for me in identifying particular painpoints from my past that were holding me back today.
Right now, amidst the feeling that great change is about to come. I'm actually excited to get the trash out of my mind properly and see what this strange quarter-life crisis brings - and yes I'm also afraid, because I don't know what it will bring.
But I'd rather find out, than to live in fear and never know.
If you've ever felt similarly, gone through similar phases, I'd love to hear your thoughts. We can work together to get through our deepest insecurities and succeed - I truly believe that.
Til' next time, and with Love!
A. x
Nice post!
ReplyDeleteWe all have two faces - one we show to the world and one we show ourselves. Though it makes a certain degree of sense to show a brushed-up version to the world, we can't do the same to ourselves.
As far as validation goes, the first person that needs to validate every step you take is yourself. I agree that in this world largely obsessed with external validation (read likes, retweets), its a bit hard to follow this .
Let us say you put up a new photo on facebook - you've obviously put it up because you think it looks good, right? - so, in a way, every photo that you put up is internally validated. So, why bother then to look for external validation? So what if your friend gets 100 likes and you get 10? At the core of it, both you and your friend have posted pics that you each like.
Great post by the way - look forward to the next one! You should definitely consider sharing your blog on facebook - (not for the likes!) - I'm sure a lot of people are facing similar issues and could greatly benefit from a self-shrink session.