Hey guys,
I hope you've had a brilliant week!
So a bit of a different post today - this time about a personal breakthrough I'm really grateful for.
Ever since I was a teenager, I've always struggled with hierarchy. I don't know if it's a result of my Asian upbringing; or of being the chubby shy kid at the bottom of the socially constructed 'popularity ladder' at high school; or, of that sense that as a 'small brown girl', I was in some way made to believe I was a disadvantaged minority, privileged to be amongst those who were really in power.
Whatever it was, I used to find it really hard to connect with people who had a sense of authority or power over me - or whom I felt were 'better' than me. I would be eager to please. Keen to impress. I changed my personality with the desire to win their approval, to win their validation. I became sweet and obliging and timid - and forgot myself in the process.
Over time I made progress, but when I moved overseas last year, I felt as though I had taken a big step backwards - I craved approval in a society that was different to mine, in surroundings that weren't home, in situations that were constantly challenging and alien.
Don't get me wrong - I had the opportunity to meet some of the most brilliant people in the world and develop close friendships - my classmates were incredibly accomplished and driven people. I even had a chance to meet some of my biggest role models in person - Jacqueline Novogratz; as well as Ratan Tata and Joseph Stiglitz, amongst others.
But the underlying thread across all of my interactions in the last 8 months, and for that matter a large portion of my earlier life, was a feeling that I was not quite 'up to par' - and this shaped my behaviour, the things I said, the way I acted around the people I met. I still remember being breathlessly in awe of Novogratz in the elevator, to the point where nothing I was asking her made any sense at all, as I blurted out a jumbled mix of words that were barely coherent.
Professors, accomplished colleagues, the rich and the famous - I felt a need to change who I was around them. And I didn't realise this until I started noticing the way some of my own friends interacted with very same 'big-shot' people - they around them in the same way they acted around me. They felt no need to to put on a facade, they felt no nervousness in asking direct questions, curious questions, and breaking through the boundary of unfamiliarity.
One night, I walked home in the rain with one of these friends and we ended up in a coffee shop at midnight, chatting after volunteering at a big conference event. I told her I had always been in awe of her ability to interact so freely and openly with anyone and everyone - in exactly the same way, regardless of their achievements, fame, or fortunes. I asked her how she did it, and I still remember her response:
Something about what she said that night resonated so deeply with me that for the next few weeks, I became acutely aware of the way I interacted with people. And it was true - for all my talk about equality, I was not demonstrating it in my own human interactions. The confident and friendly manner I had around a barista, disappeared around a Professor, as I warped into a submissive people-pleaser. Not only did this realisation appear to strike painfully at the core of my beliefs, but it also revealed a plethora of other issues I needed to address, the core ones being:
These questions prompted a lot of soul-searching. Around the same time, I started noticing references to this topic everywhere. One of my Professors one day told us:
It must have all seeped into my head - or perhaps being aware of my behaviour enabled me to also subsconsciously change it.
When I came to Indonesia for my internship, I could still hear my friend's words in my mind. And one day I had the confidence to walk into my Country Director's office and just ask for a coffee chat. Not to network, not to ask him for work even. But just to talk, and see who he was a person. We ended up talking for 2 hours and he has since become one of my biggest role models.
When I started seeing people as people, and not as roles or positions or labels, my whole experience of human interaction changed. You ask people questions, you discover where their passions lie, what they care about, why they do what they do - and suddenly, nothing else really matters.
Of course, another aspect of this change was probably the re-introduction of my daily routines like meditation, which helped me to regain control of my world of emotions and build inner strength.
But I guess what I'm trying to say is this - a whole new world has opened up for me since I changed the way I viewed people. A world often hidden by societal constructs, assumptions and snap judgements.
This also feels good because the way I act now, is more in tune with the values I want to stand for. And the personal stories I have heard as a result? AMAZING. They range from incredible to heart-breaking to purely inspirational. The one thing I've learnt then, the hard way, is this - whoever they are, people just want to be heard.
So to that friend who taught me to treat people as people and not as 'things', not as achievements, position titles or dollar signs, thank you - I think you may just have changed my world.
What do you think? Have you ever noticed this behaviour in yourself? Have you ever found yourself subconsciously changing who you are in certain situations for certain people, and if you have, why? Do you think it's okay, or do you think this needs to change? As always, I would love to hear from you.
Til' next time! Stay fulfilled.
Love,
A. x
I hope you've had a brilliant week!
So a bit of a different post today - this time about a personal breakthrough I'm really grateful for.
Ever since I was a teenager, I've always struggled with hierarchy. I don't know if it's a result of my Asian upbringing; or of being the chubby shy kid at the bottom of the socially constructed 'popularity ladder' at high school; or, of that sense that as a 'small brown girl', I was in some way made to believe I was a disadvantaged minority, privileged to be amongst those who were really in power.
Whatever it was, I used to find it really hard to connect with people who had a sense of authority or power over me - or whom I felt were 'better' than me. I would be eager to please. Keen to impress. I changed my personality with the desire to win their approval, to win their validation. I became sweet and obliging and timid - and forgot myself in the process.
Over time I made progress, but when I moved overseas last year, I felt as though I had taken a big step backwards - I craved approval in a society that was different to mine, in surroundings that weren't home, in situations that were constantly challenging and alien.
Don't get me wrong - I had the opportunity to meet some of the most brilliant people in the world and develop close friendships - my classmates were incredibly accomplished and driven people. I even had a chance to meet some of my biggest role models in person - Jacqueline Novogratz; as well as Ratan Tata and Joseph Stiglitz, amongst others.
But the underlying thread across all of my interactions in the last 8 months, and for that matter a large portion of my earlier life, was a feeling that I was not quite 'up to par' - and this shaped my behaviour, the things I said, the way I acted around the people I met. I still remember being breathlessly in awe of Novogratz in the elevator, to the point where nothing I was asking her made any sense at all, as I blurted out a jumbled mix of words that were barely coherent.
 |
Professors, accomplished colleagues, the rich and the famous - I felt a need to change who I was around them. And I didn't realise this until I started noticing the way some of my own friends interacted with very same 'big-shot' people - they around them in the same way they acted around me. They felt no need to to put on a facade, they felt no nervousness in asking direct questions, curious questions, and breaking through the boundary of unfamiliarity.
One night, I walked home in the rain with one of these friends and we ended up in a coffee shop at midnight, chatting after volunteering at a big conference event. I told her I had always been in awe of her ability to interact so freely and openly with anyone and everyone - in exactly the same way, regardless of their achievements, fame, or fortunes. I asked her how she did it, and I still remember her response:
"They're just people at the end of the day, A. Do you really think Ratan Tata likes being idolised or likes being mobbed? He's a human being and he just wants to connect with others - the same way you and I do. He is just as curious about you as you are about him. So when you sit down and talk to someone as though they are 'real', it makes a big difference. Just try it.
I've never seen one person as being different from the other - we really all the same at the end of the day.".
Dnms in a NYC coffee shop at night - only good things can result.
Something about what she said that night resonated so deeply with me that for the next few weeks, I became acutely aware of the way I interacted with people. And it was true - for all my talk about equality, I was not demonstrating it in my own human interactions. The confident and friendly manner I had around a barista, disappeared around a Professor, as I warped into a submissive people-pleaser. Not only did this realisation appear to strike painfully at the core of my beliefs, but it also revealed a plethora of other issues I needed to address, the core ones being:
- Why did I need this external validation, from a so called 'higher source'? What was I looking for from others, that I couldn't give myself?
- Did I internally have some sort of 'ranking system', some sort of discriminatory lens that placed a higher value on certain people over others? What defined my interpretation of this value? Fame? Money? Power?
- Did I not believe that I too could be capable of achieving great success? Hero-worshiping is indicative of limiting self-perceptions - a 'them vs me' mentality, that is loaded with the belief that "I may never reach the impossible heights that they have". It builds a mental barrier between what I am capable of, and what I think I deserve. Not good, and not okay.
These questions prompted a lot of soul-searching. Around the same time, I started noticing references to this topic everywhere. One of my Professors one day told us:
"What do real change-makers do, that enable them to be bold? They think horizontally - they forget the vertical lines of hierarchy, and they see everyone as the same."
We all have to stop doing this.
It must have all seeped into my head - or perhaps being aware of my behaviour enabled me to also subsconsciously change it.
When I came to Indonesia for my internship, I could still hear my friend's words in my mind. And one day I had the confidence to walk into my Country Director's office and just ask for a coffee chat. Not to network, not to ask him for work even. But just to talk, and see who he was a person. We ended up talking for 2 hours and he has since become one of my biggest role models.
When I started seeing people as people, and not as roles or positions or labels, my whole experience of human interaction changed. You ask people questions, you discover where their passions lie, what they care about, why they do what they do - and suddenly, nothing else really matters.
Of course, another aspect of this change was probably the re-introduction of my daily routines like meditation, which helped me to regain control of my world of emotions and build inner strength.
But I guess what I'm trying to say is this - a whole new world has opened up for me since I changed the way I viewed people. A world often hidden by societal constructs, assumptions and snap judgements.
So to that friend who taught me to treat people as people and not as 'things', not as achievements, position titles or dollar signs, thank you - I think you may just have changed my world.
What do you think? Have you ever noticed this behaviour in yourself? Have you ever found yourself subconsciously changing who you are in certain situations for certain people, and if you have, why? Do you think it's okay, or do you think this needs to change? As always, I would love to hear from you.
Til' next time! Stay fulfilled.
Love,
A. x
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